Now that you understand the variables concerning my mother, its time to dig up memories concerning my father. There aren't very many of them. I can't say that I have many memories of my father, who was usually absent due to work/cheating, but I do know his character. My fondest memory of my father is at age 6 or 7 when walking down the street holding his hand. He asked me what I learned in computer class. He then asked me if the computer was smarter than a human. I told him that it was. He laughed and said so who made the computer to be smart to which I responded humans. He asked again who was smarter and I was perplexed. I thought in that moment that my father was the smartest person living.
Little did I know that years later I would think of how this man left me and my brothers to deal with the wrath of my mother knowingly. I would find out the role he played in making her more bitter and volatile than she already was and then leaving us to deal with the natural disaster that is her. I was close to 30 years old when I realized that I should not have pity for him. That he knew what he was doing when he left us to fend for ourselves, when he chose to leave and go to the safety of another woman's arms rather than protect his children and teach them that it's okay to stand up for yourself.
My father would consistently go missing saying that he was working and I would, in my young ignorance, defend him in saying that he had to work to give us the things he does. I made excuses that even if he was seeing another woman it was because my mother provoked him. I never gave him right for hitting my mother but i never forgot to acknowledge that the hit was provoked and even incited by her.
This is an overall view of the turmoil I grew up in with both mother and father present. And in this turmoil was BPD shaped. Young, dumb and unable to to stable, I turned to cutting myself with needles and razors as an outlet. I played chicken with cars, engaging in life threatening risky behaviors. I even snorted a Tylenol hoping that it would get me high (NEWSFLASH: it didn't. it just burns). Remember as you go about your day, interacting with others, you never know what a person is going through. Young and old alike, we all have our battles.
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
IG: @bahamian_borderline
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