Thought Stew

Once again, I'm writing with no clear direction and with so many thoughts of where to go. So I'm gonna wing it. One thing that's been on my mind is the inner dialogue. I had written about it before. In depression, anxiety, OCD and almost any disorder where there is an influx of negative thoughts, there is an inner dialogue. This is true for Borderline Personality Disorder and I think (I could be biased) more so with quiet BPD. There is an influx of negative thoughts such as: I'm a loser, I'm a failure, I think they're mad at me, why am I like this? What I want to point out here is that these thoughts are negative, but they are critical.

Stay with me here, in depression the thoughts are very critical and tend to revolve around self-loathing, despair, hopelessness and helplessness. In anxiety the thoughts are critical but revolve around worst case scenarios and preparing for the sky to fall. Now depression and BPD can co-exist (hold onto that point). However, depression and BPD are different and BPD has a persistent depressive feature in such that the chronic feelings of emptiness and lack of sense of self are part of the disorder that naturally bring on a depressive state. Think about it, if you constantly felt like you didn't know who you were and like you didn't know how to be or feel fulfilled and nothing you did was working, then you'd probably be depressed as well.

The defining feature, I think, about the BPD thoughts vs. the depressive thoughts is that in depression the thoughts are critical, self-loathing and disparaging. The BPD thoughts on the other hand (I think) are more so doubting. Because you aren't certain who you are, what your values are, what your purpose is and what's really fulfilling - you doubt yourself as soon as someone suggests something about you. You could be the most humble person ever but if someone accuses you of being proud, you entertain that maybe that's the problem. You could have the best history with being free handed with money but if someone suggests that maybe you're mean/greedy, you entertain that maybe you're mean-spirited in disguise. You are so unsure of your values and your personality that if someone suggests that you may have done something wrong, you take it on and allow that lack of certainty to color how you interact with the situation or the person.

For example: I'm usually really laid back with money with my friends. I believe that eventually we would pay each other back at some point if we're both spending. A former friend of mine (whom I had multiple run-ins and evidence that they were not as pure-intention-ed as previously assumed) suggested that I was holding onto anger because they hadn't given me some money back. I was told to remind them about money because it made them believe I was holding a grudge. Though, I knew that was not the truth, I took it and figured that maybe I was wrong for not reminding them despite it not being my nature. Later I loaned some money to another friend. I decided to remind them so that they didn't feel I was holding something against them and they were so confused. They had never given me reason to think they would treat me that way nor had I given them the notion that I was someone that would run after them for money. I felt horrible because I changed my character and means of interacting with others because of 1 person's (pretty selfish honestly) assertion.

My point is, BPD makes you question who you are because that person was never fully developed. Depression makes you feel critical of who you are because you feel helpless to be brought into light. The reason this became important to me is because, now that I'm not dealing with depressive thoughts as much, I'm starting to recognize the distinction between the BPD thoughts and the depressive ones. Both of these thought patterns can cause significant strain on relationships and distress for the individual but it's so much easier to navigate one without the presence of the other. Its also easier to pin-point which diagnosis is speaking when you know the tone and cadence of the voice. I'm hoping that this helps someone because the voices need different things. BPD needs validation and reassurance, while depression needs presence and empathy. It's important to know who you're talking to, who you're supporting and what needs to be addressed and how. Now that that's sorted out, see below the book updates:

1) the book is DONE and LIVE!!! You are able to purchase on lulu bookstore. You can type "navigating bpd" or my name "caronique" and the book will pop up.

2) It is not available for purchase on any other platform as yet. I am still awaiting approval from Amazon & Barnes and Noble for the book to be offered by them.

3) The BPD awareness month promotional sale ($12.00) has to be pushed back unfortunately. It will be available on lulu beginning May 22nd and will run through May 31st.

4) Physical copies of the book should be here (in The Bahamas) by May 18th. You will be able to purchase directly from me at that time (with the sale price - $12.00)

5) I am working on a few things for the month of July which is when I plan to do the official book launch. I will also be hosting a first responders training course at that time. You would have to talk to me directly for more information on the course as well as the book launch event. Things are happening!

I think that's about it.

Love,

Dat Bahamian Borderline.