At this point I’m not sure if I should be saying sorry first or thank you. I spent from December 31st-January 3rd aggressively cleaning, the first 24 hours of that being nonstop. I cleaned so much I ended up with chemical burns on my hands and my menstrual cycle refused to come until I calmed down (TMI, I know but I’m making a point). I was so engrossed in cleaning that nothing was able to stop me, body pains and all. I say all that to say that my intention was to hop on here are say THANK YOU to everyone for reading, for reaching out, for sharing and for being part of my journey. This message was supposed to come on New Year’s Day but here we are a week and a half in. Although it’s late, I don’t mean it any less now than I did when I set the intention.
In therapy we’ve been working on addressing the “mother wound” which ironically comes from my mother. This is important because I won’t ever be able to maintain progress unless I deal with it. In hindsight I realize that it’s a huge part of why my relationship broke down. I went into it healthy on the outside and eventually the outter layers cracked and broke away and the exposed, unhealed wound left us at ground zero. And the reason I mention that is because this holiday season has been so difficult as I traverse the realization that my relationship became the sole source of support, therapy, friendship, intimacy, love, company, comfort, safety,…you name it, it was all in 1 person. Obviously it’s too much for 1 person to be responsible for on a good day much less on a daily. Although 2 years is a rather long and abnormal amount of time to grieve, it’s understandable that the breakup was, in fact, devastating. Everything now has to be built from scratch.
So now we are working on self-validation and interpersonal relationships in tandem. None of which is going well. I’m super grateful that I got the motivation to clean my house (despite that there was a lot of self-mutilation involved). Now that the cleaning is done the depression has set in again and the desire to break into a group is nil and intellectualization and negativity are the order of the day.
On the bright side, I’ve incorporated walking into my routine again (never mind that it’s only been 1 week). I’ve also been working on my drawing skills and trying my hardest to write (that’s been the least productive area next to actually talking to people). Trying to find and validate my “core self” has been a challenge since I’m frequently unsure that it exists. But piece by piece I guess (she said unconvincingly). ALSO…great news is that the book is nearly finished. I have 1 more chapter to write and then the conclusion. The first two sections are currently being edited and I’m scheduled to meet with a marketing team soon. The cover design artist is on standby for when editing is completed, but has ideas for the final product. So I’m excited for the completion of this project (as soon as I can get past this hurdle of being motivated enough and less triggered to finish the current chapter).
So again, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! Thank you for your support, for checking in on my progress, for checking the site, for reading the blogs and for just being there. Please feel free to let me know what you would like to see happen here in the future, what things are you interested in reading about, and to just say how you’re doing, what you’ve learned or gotten from this journey.
I appreciate you all!
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
IG: bahamian_borderline
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