BPD Awareness

We are officially wrapping up BPD Awareness Month. Granted I hate that the month coincides with Mental Health Awareness month because I think it takes away from the needed spotlight that BPD could have - but obviously I'm biased. I learned one thing during this month which is that statistics show that people with BPD tend to have above average intelligence. Not just emotional intelligence from reading others' emotions but general intelligence as well as creativity. I was also reminded of the fact that most persons with BPD tend to have jobs in the helping profession as we tend to empathize well and want to spare people the pain and hurt we experience on a daily. The month itself, was a journey as I absorbed information, was reminded of many things and leaned in more heavily on my beliefs of the importance of our presence in the wider society.

The month, unfortunately, did not end well. I am currently on an emotional tour of a dark valley. Right now, I am doing a not-so-good job of convincing myself not to self harm, to not take on anymore than is already on my plate, to give myself grace and having the most difficult time trying to regulate. I find myself crying during my daily exercise (by that I mean sobbing uncontrollably on the ground at the park where I go running), I have to take breaks from my office and sit outside and sometimes take off my shoes to ground myself, I have anxiety attacks randomly and more frequently and my body is suffering. All the while, when I talk to people they tell me how "good" I'm looking now, or how "healthy" I seem.

I'm reminded of the poem "minstrel man" by Langston Hughes where he talks about the paradox of looking or seeming happy despite dying on the inside. There is an oppression that happens when your true feelings are buried below the surface, and when people mistake your "trudging through" as thriving. In that oppression, you get no assistance for the depth of pain that you are in; there is no urgency for people to surround you or help carry you and there is no ability to show who you really are. When you are expected to live up to the facade, you are forever in a place of stifling, walking on and oppressing the real you that requires a voice. I feel that with BPD this is exacerbated in that acting out and looking for help gets you labeled as a monster, manipulative and dependent and unstable. Yet saying nothing leaves you worn out, imploding, one step closer to the grave and silently bleeding all over the people around you. A happy medium is not too easy to reach - although it doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

As I am reminded of the details and symptoms of BPD, I remember that I will have these episodes. As I sit and wrack my brain trying to figure out what caused this latest bout of depression (as I also have recurring Major Depression), I have to also keep an open mind to the fact that I don't need a trigger; it could come on suddenly. Furthermore, I am reminded of the fact that the symptoms of BPD tend to lessen outside of a relationship (which may be why I was feeling okay for a while). I sit and question how much better my ex's life is without me in it as I spiral into my grief - which feels never ending at this point. I question how much better it would be for everyone if I were to shut everyone out despite knowing how much I really just want help and to be seen. I currently struggle to remember that I promised to LIVE for that love I was given and not die for the parts that hurt.

BPD Awareness means to make people aware that we struggle to receive love, and we do so often. BPD Awareness means to acknowledge that our pain is recurring and it is deeply rooted. BPD Awareness means to let people into the pain we feel and to equip them with the tools to help us put ourselves together (whether that is a hug, a blanket, a conversation). BPD Awareness is to keep myself open to the fact that this is part of who I am. It is my reality and the more I learn to accept it, embrace it and lean into it (not as to say make excuses for my behavior) the better I will become at LIVING for love; not dying from it.

Hibiscus in Bloom

Love,

Dat Bahamian Borderline

IG: bahamian_Borderline