I had a friend once who had this amazing ability to see past my mask. She wasn’t looking for my “tells” or studying the folds of my face or the wrinkles around my eyes. It definitely wasn’t because she knew me so well and so long, it was just something innate. When I wasn’t doing well, she knew. But not just me, she could pick up on the subtle nuances and changes in energy and mood and emotions of others. It’s a gift if there ever was one.
One day at church I wasn’t doing well but I was masking fairly well and no one was able to pick up. Granted I was holding on by a hair. We worked with the teens together and that Sunday we took the teens outside to have a separate and more engaging experience. As we walked out, I she had to turn back and as she walked past me she stopped me and said “are you okay? You seem a bit off today.” I completely broke down. I don’t know how she saw it or felt it but she did and she stood there and hugged me until I could manage a few words and a deep breath to pull myself together and put my mask back on. I was grateful simply because she saw.
At the same time, the person who called herself my best friend at the time walked pass and stood and looked for a second, she patted my back and walked away. After church she came to me and said that she was upset because I “talk to who I want to talk to.” She asserted that I didn’t treat her like a friend because I chose to talk to someone else rather than coming to her who is supposedly my best friend. I was heartbroken and upset at the same time. In the end I tried to explain that I didn’t choose to talk to anybody, she saw me and she acted.
This isn’t necessarily to compare the two rather to show that some people see you and what a blessing that is. As I lay here, burdened and knowing that I’m not well, I wish I had someone to see me. Not even a partner per se but a person who has the ability to see past my mask. I looked at a picture I took last week and am absolutely disgusted at the smile, that no one can see past it, even when I need them to most. I think about her and I think 2 things:
people like her should be cherished and protected. That gift, that kind of love and kindness is not easily found and definitely not easily forgotten.
I hope she’s okay and happy and thriving. I hope she has someone who can see past her smile and hold her when she needs it and helps her to take her mask down and feel and if need be to help her put it back on until the time she can take it back off. She deserves it
None of the two people are in my life anymore but I’m sure it’s clear who I miss most, who I would welcome back with open arms and a glad heart. Be the reason someone can take down their mask.
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
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