The weight of "Again"

Over the last 2 weeks I've been plagued with hearing and experiencing the word "again." The thing is, I've never noticed exactly how heavy the word truly is. At first I was thinking about something my ex said to me recently - that we probably wouldn't be as close again. I had to think about the reality that I truly love him more than the hurt, yes, but there is no way that I can dismiss that pain. In the next instance, I was in a class/meeting where a question I asked wasn't answered in the way I wanted (more so that the question was being answered from a different perspective than I was asking it) but in the setting we were in, I didn't want to interrupt the response and thus take away from the experience of the other participants. I began having a mild anxiety attack. When I came home and talked to my friend about it, they mentioned how my body was experiencing a level of not feeling seen, understood, supported and feeling dismissed - all without the ability to stand up for myself...again. Then this weekend while, finally on a much needed break, I went to an event where I wanted to support my ex and realized that despite how proud, excited, full of love and joy I am, I am so deeply saddened by the distance that exists between us. Each time I sit inches & centimeters away from the reality that I would risk life and limb to be with him again (again being hope), I am also facing the reality that the distance between us is unmeasurable. No matter how much I would kill to be with him again, I will always fear him leaving me again - this time again being despair.

In BPD we experience a whole lot of "again's." The mood swings are reminiscent of experiencing a buried emotion again. We can't tell when it's going to come about, but it shows up from a trigger that seems so minute and insignificant. The person teaching the class didn't mean to tackle my question wrong. Nor was it wrong to allow him to continue to speak for the sake of the other attendees. My body however, experienced being ignored, having my words twisted, misunderstood and not seen and being unable to say or do anything about it. My mind experienced being helpless - despite that it was self-imposed and for a good reason. The BPD brain isn't able to tell the difference between being helpless because I was actually fighting to stay alive, connected and loved in childhood, during rape, sexual abuse - and being helpless because I am making way for other people to learn something that I already know but they may not.

In the BPD brain, the desire to be close to someone is met with the fear of being hurt and abandoned because we've experienced emotional neglect so often and so subtly deep that our brains can no longer remove fear and pain from love. So when I think of my ex saying we may not be as close, my logical brain says "no, rupture and repair makes for stronger relationships." But then as I sit with the distance that exists between us, my BPD brain dives head first into the anxiety of being abandoned again and the pain of the acres of emotional distance that stands between us. My brain will play every moment we shared a laugh, a held hand, a hug or a deep conversation, and immediately after replay a weak hug, a reluctant hello, or a dismissive acknowledgment.

Now this is in NO way to say that I will not go to another class, and definitely not to say that I wouldn't jump at the chance to be with my ex again - but in all of that I have to always remember the weight of the again. The way my brain experiences the again of helplessness, the again of heartbreak, the again of abandonment, the again of rage, the again of such deep, repeated emotions - I have to always be in a space where I can recognize, call out, and address that "again." I have to be aware enough that I don't allow the again to ruin the present and surely not the future. I have to remind myself that not every again comes with a deep sigh but sometimes with great hope and a beautiful anticipation of the greatness and beauty it can hold. So I will go to class again, ask my question again and hope that my heart feasts on the response or even on the gladness of others learning. And when I connect with my ex again, I will remember that again will include bad memories and fear and anxiety but it will encompass hope that rupture and repair leads to stronger relationships...hopefully stronger with him but definitely stronger with myself.

Love always,

Dat Bahamian Borderline

IG: @bahamian_borderline