First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone who has been on this journey with me. It's officially been one year since I started this blog and I absolutely relish in the fact that I made it this far without quitting. Admittedly,I have slowed down in writing but I'm still committed to speaking about the truth in BPD, Depression, and just my life in general. I hope that in the year that you've been with me and reading that you've gained something positive, maybe helpful and if not just been able to relate. I really cherish everyone that has joined me and has been consistent or not consistent in this content/community.
Now that that's over, I wish to share with you an experience that I know isn't foreign. One thing about a narcissist is that the people close to them will always experience being silenced and having their reality questioned. There is always that second guess if you're really overreacting or doing too much or being difficult. There's always that point of surrender where comes the "I give up", "it doesn't matter" or the "I can't argue with you anymore." There's even a voice that tells you not to speak at all because "what's the use, it'll only be an argument" and the inevitable "I can never win." You stop validating yourself because you're not even sure what to validate anymore.
I've written many times about my parents and how I've grown up and I even wrote a blog about feeling that my abuse and trauma sometimes doesn't feel valid (go back and read: house slave trauma). I even mentioned in a blog that my biggest hurt has been the hurt from my brother and how that really hurt me and shaped how I look at relationships now (don't remember the name of that blog but look it up in the list 😅). Anyway, through a convoluted process, my mother found my blogs and has turned it into ammunition.
First I want to say that my blogs are not to shame, tear down or berate anyone. They are a pathway for me to express myself and be able to share the struggles of mental illness. My life is just an example of what it takes to grow into mental illness and how it feels and occasionally off tips to help your loved ones with mental illness. I HATE that my blog has been weaponized, be it by my parents or my brother(s). Will they feel bad reading it, probably, but the idea is to rectify the problem and not just throw blame around.
That being said, "according to your blog, I'm the worst person God put on earth" is gaslighting at its finest. "Don't put what I said on your blog, because that's where you put everything" is manipulation to the nth degree. These comments mean I have no right to talk, no right to speak my truth. They are a way to silence me and to twist my words and my intentions. They invalidate everything I've gone through, and why I write in the first place. The thing is opposites can exist simultaneously. I was abused and traumatized as a child but it was not the worst childhood. My mother was not the best mother in the world but she's certainly not the worst by a long shot. My father did abandon us for his mistresses but he was there to give some fond memories as well. I want it to be known that having a voice means speaking truth on both sides of the coin. Life just isn't easy for most folks in the world and that's just the truth. I get the opportunity to share my thoughts and feelings and experiences with you all and I can only hope that you take it with the care it deserves.
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
IG: bahamian_borderline
speak the truth on both sides.