This Didn’t Make the Book

I feel like I need to start off saying that I’m sorry for not writing for so long. Although, the truth is no apology is needed because I have been doing my best to get through life and it’s been one hell of a journey. I can only hope that you are glad that I’m still here.

I was really fighting for a topic for a while but I thought on it an noticed how much of my journey is not in my book that defines my walk. So that’s what I’m going to take some time to talk about. As a Bahamian, there is a small island mentality that our voice doesn’t mean much and wouldn’t go very far. I fall in that category to a much larger extent because as someone with BPD my voice was constantly invalidated and I feel heavily about sharing my thoughts, feelings and opinions for fear of invalidation. Every time I hold something back from someone, that trauma comes alive again as I’m sure it does for many borderlines. It takes so much to get to know me and if you don’t power through the hard part you never will; all the while thinking you did the work because I’m so soft. I’m more like a coconut covered with mochi.

The reason this relates back to my Bahamian roots is because I lost hope. I lost hope because we didn’t have a DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) specialist until recently. We have very limited access to mental healthcare services and worse that it’s not the care I desperately needed. Top that with the fact that I’m already used to being shushed AND the culture upholding that behavior. Culture really compounded my hopelessness and helplessness. I’ve now been having DBT sessions for a little over a year and my therapist is only now getting to know who I am and what my actual issues are. I have been so wrapped in that sweet sticky, stretchy mochi and handing out spoons to cut through it. The irony being that I’m sad that people aren’t willing to go the extra mile and fight through it all.

Being in a country where mental health isn’t taken seriously and having one of the most invisibly debilitating mental illnesses has left such a deeply scarring impact on how I interact with others. I wonder how the culture has impacted the way you all present yourselves and interact with others? Please leave a comment.

In the meantime, my therapist and I will be working on those wounds so I learn how to interact in this crazy culture. I might make this a series about different ways the culture has influenced my mental health.

Love,

Dat Bahamian Borderline

IG: bahamian_borderline