“M.U.M”s the word

Thank you all for your patience and understanding of me taking so long to write. Life has been life-ing. As a school teacher, at the end of the school year things get VERY busy. Marking, grading, graduation etc. Further to that I had so many other things I was engaged in like elections and national exam grading. It’s been very full. I kept thinking about writing but between time and exhaustion- I couldn’t do anything.

So now to the meat of it, I’m continuing the series on how living in The Bahamas affected my Borderline Personality Disorder. Generally speaking, explaining how BPD feels is difficult because it’s hard to imagine that intensity of feelings constantly for a normal (neurotypical) person. But I raise you, explaining BPD in a country where mental health is taboo and stigmatized (and that’s not including the fact that BPD itself is highly stigmatized by mental health professionals). Talking about my mental illness is something I have long come to terms with that it will be a scarce occurrence and very likely with someone who has no or limited knowledge of mental health and even less about BPD in specific.

Borderline personality disorder makes emotions feel very intense and so imagine experiencing feeling mis-attuned to someone you love or care for and then trying to explain how or why and end up feeling dismissed or misunderstood. It’s most hurtful to allow yourself to be vulnerable with a person only to have that brave action be met with the impenetrable wall off dismissal. The thing is the dismissal is not intentional. You go on trying to paint a picture of hurt but you’re doing it to someone who has limited colors in their pallet. So over the years I’ve learned to tell stories very dramatically so that perhaps if I paint the picture bold enough even if the person doesn’t see the vibrancy of the colors they can see the proportions of the image. Then maybe, even if they dismiss a big chunk of it, they at least can tell there’s more emotion behind it than they would normally have.

You see people gauge you with the stick they have. If they’re emotionally stunted then it’s likely that they see most interactions as over the top (which means imagine what they would feel about a BPD response). I try my best to get people to see the intensity of my emotions even if I can’t get them to truly understand why I feel the way I do. Yes, it does get me called dramatic or funny or fiery and fierce but I do what I must. In the same vein it really makes me pick and choose which emotions to share. I don’t always have the wherewithal to express every emotion AND explain its depth for the people around me. Furthermore, I question “is my dramatic story just a show or am I really feeling this as deeply as I say - I’ve been acting for so long.” I’ve learned to always be in a state of questioning my emotions and if I should express them, and if it’s safe to share coupled with “will they understand - how big or small do I have to be for them to understand?”

As you can imagine, that’s pretty exhausting. I don’t know really if questioning my emotions are good or bad because I can see arguments for both. I love that I get to tell stories and be animated and use analogies. Many people tell me they love the examples I use and how I make things relatable and easy to understand. In the same breath it’s so exhausting having to do that day in and day out just to be seen for only a fraction of what I truly experience. Bahamians love a story and I love telling them. Mental illness in The Bahamas made me a good storyteller but so damn bad at simply feeling.

Missed you guys

Love,

Dat Bahamian Borderline

IG: @bahamian_borderline