Christmas Identity Crisis

Christmas is always a difficult time of year for me. I'm an introvert and it depletes my batteries to be around a lot of people, but when I'm depressed (which I'm unfortunately feeling a bout of at the moment) it's a Herculean task. Top that with starting a new job and imposter syndrome and you have a recipe for disaster.

Ironically I have an educational background in psychology. I recently got a new job that tackles mental health as a huge part in its description. I've been waiting years for this opportunity yet I feel like I have zero clue what I'm doing and at any moment they're going to find out. I'm terrified of being a bad employee because so much of my identity is wrapped up in being on my A game at all times. Needless to say, when people ask me about how the new job is going I say something like "it's good, it's really busy." I've been hiding my true feelings for some time to ensure I don't let the real cat out of the bag.

Now let's add the many guests that Christmas brings. Bahamians are where the food is... and who's house was the food at this year?! Mine! My mother (our undefeated cook) stayed with me this year after visiting from one of the family islands. My house was full of people and the worst part was the mess it incurred. I tried to stay in my bedroom but that's impossible when my very extroverted mother kept calling me to help out and entertain guests. I was so overwhelmed and felt unable to focus or function. I was alone in my feelings and unable to be alone in reality.

So what does this have to do with BPD. Obviously it's mental health related but little known fact is that people with BPD have significant issues with identity. One minute we can realize that we did pretty good in life and the other we can't see a single accomplishment. Since I've also been diagnosed with depression this little exercise in imposter syndrome and introversion left me feeling suicidal this Christmas. I worried about how often I envisioned myself unalive and the fact that my support group is almost nonexistent because I don't let people in (trusting people is also a heavy task). This Christmas I feigned smiles, tried to drink away my problems and longed to be free of the exhausting act of faking it.

Please...check on your friends. Honestly, earnestly and genuinely. Find out what they need and be intentional about delivering it. Don't add stress to their plate. Love them by listening even if it means not talking. Be present in a way that matters.

Love,

Dat Bahamian Borderline