In January of 2013, I had a new job working at a mental health institution with one of the top child psychologist in the country, whereas I had just graduated from studying psychology at university. I was living near the beach and within walking distance from work to stay in shape. I had it all didn't I? What I also had was depression. I contemplated everyday what I would do with my life and how to end it. At the time I was so serious I was researching how to tie a noose and hang myself from the railings of my two story apartment building. Yup! I had it all.
At this time I asked a friend to come over to my job and sit with me because I wasn't doing well and in her "sorry, I can't make it today" my life lay. I went spiraling downhill about not having great parents, not friends, no therapist, no hopes, no dreams, nothing to look forward to...nothing. I called my therapist (whom I was not fond of because she never listened to me) and I told her "I think im really a danger to myself right now. If I leave work and go home, there will be no more me." That's the first time she heard me. She told me to go to the ER and see if they could help me. I spoke to the psychiatrist and they recommended that I be admitted to a mental institution for a while for observation. It's in being there that I had a personality assessment done and diagnosed with major depression and borderline personality disorder (this is when my therapist finally gets it).
I wasn't very familiar with explaining the diagnosis although I knew of it and had more than a hunch that I had it. Telling people about it after was hell because everyone just assumed it was dissociative identity disorder (then it was call multiple personality disorder). They just suspected my mood swings meant that I was being another person. My anger was another person. Everything was just me switching from person to person. It took a long time to learn how to talk about it without the mix-up. Did treatment make it better? Was my therapist better? Did I fix my life right away? DEFINITELY NOT! But I had the words now to describe me.
I was so relieved to have a diagnosis and one that I knew I had from just glancing over it. Ecstatic! It was finally me finding myself in a book (albeit a textbook). It was me finding me in words. Knowing I wasn't alone meant nothing to me. What mattered was that finally, in words, on a page, I found myself.
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
IG: @bahamian_borderline
Comments