I have so many ideas of what I should be writing right now and I can’t choose one so I’ll be writing a little about them all. The first being that 2 years of the breakup is right around the corner. The anxiety is wild. I think I don’t talk much about the things that he’d done to cause the end of the relationship and it’s a sore topic really. I have an understanding that it wasn’t only me being a crazy borderline that brought about an end but also his avoidant attachment, trauma and insecurities about his inadequacies. Still, it’s really easy for me to point the finger at myself and focus on my own guilt, shame and regret. I realized though, that in accepting that I love him too much to force myself on him AND too much to love anyone but him; I’m more and more content in my decision. (My decision being not to date and celibacy.) I could go more into that but I’ll let that sit.
Also, therapy has been frustrating. I’m sensing a frustration from my therapist regarding my not healing the way that’s expected or typical. My homework this week was to think about why I’m not doing better despite having the proverbial tools (or starter kit at least). And I think I have the answer finally. One part of it is that I don’t want to heal in the way that’s expected. Not rebellion, but that I don’t want what she wants. I don’t see healing in the typical way that most do. I still want to punch walls, but I want to work on having a community that will help bandage my wounds without judgement. I still want to feel deeply but I want to work on communicating that I need a hug and for my hand to be held. I want to experience profound sadness but have people who know how and are willing to get me a weighted blanket and lay with me in silence. But it also occurred to me that I’m afraid to not be attached to depression and BPD. I don’t want to be so “healed” that I forget. I don’t want to be so new that my identity is far removed from the lack of identity that was so common place. I have always identified with being mentally ill even though it was accompanied by having no identity.
And that leads me to my last enigmatic topic: triggers. Most times I’ve learned a trigger, it’s not done in therapy and so I’ve always been skeptical of the ones I’ve learned on my own (which again, is most). I saw a post asking BPD’ers about their triggers today and I really have been thinking about mine all week but the post gave me reason. So I’m gonna list some because maybe it’ll help to add to the framework:
Lack of support (At work or with friends)
Seeing others oppressed (usually by a system or organization or people)
Feeling like someone isn’t being intimate (not just a romantic partner but the general feeling that someone is holding back their true self)
When someone distances themselves during conversation (looking at your phone or watch or computer screen, zoning out, walking out of the room - basically anything that leaves me thinking you’re not that interested)
Ironically, people wanting to get to know me
Seeing a group of friends hang out without inviting me (very laughable considering the next one)
Being invited out and feeling like the odd man out (this could be having to walk in back because everyone is grouped, being left out of a conversation, inside jokes I’m not part of with no explanation)
Being dismissed
Canceling plans at last minute if it’s not an emergency
Obviously abandonment of any kind (it’s particularly distressing when a person leaves in a heated moment without saying anything and going a long distance away)
Being Lied to
People closing doors in my face
Being clapped at
Premature sexual advances
There are more but these are most pertinent.
I don’t think this blog accomplished much but I wanted to interact with you all and give light to the challenges around knowing your triggers and being honest about them. If nothing else, I want you to take away that I’m being honest and intimate.
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
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