I feel it's not fair for me to let you in on the bad times and not on the good times. Granted at this moment things aren't good or bad, it's okay. I feel as though if I were neurotypical (that's a fancy term for "normal") this is what life would be like on the regular. I don't know what it's like to be normal. Having a personality disorder means that I have been brewing my neurodivergence (fancy way of saying "abnormal") since I can remember me. When I was seven (and I want you all to know that I'm just rambling now) I remember telling my mother that I don't want children. She told me what I've been hearing for the past 25 years...you'll change your mind. No really I really didn't want kids for the last 25 years of my life and I don't think that'll change despite being "great with kids." BACK TO THE STORY: I made excuse upon excuse for why I knew I didn't want kids but in hindsight that's when I knew I was different.
I've never wanted kids and even when the world tricked me into saying I'd yield for my husband (and by "the world" I mean church), I still said I didn't want any more than 1 pregnancy. I say all that to say that sometimes we know things about ourselves from childhood. When I started self harming at age 12, that again was a sign. Around that same time I noted my difficulty in interacting with my friends. Always having a deep sense of guilt when I did something I perceived as wrong and the deep fear or abandonment. I also remember being in college and learning about BPD and I had known instinctively that it was me. The actual diagnosis didn't come until a few years later.
In this "in between" time it was difficult. I had so many people tell me what I was and who I was. Yet most of my own definition was just "be the opposite of my mother." I worked hard to be loving, kind, to be great with the kids, to care more about the people around me than myself. Even physically, I vowed not to be "fat" like my mother was. My whole identity was surrounded by her and her attributes (mostly what I didn't want to be). But I never considered what I wanted to be.
And again, I say all this to say that now that I'm an adult, now that I've been diagnosed, what is my in-between? I imagine neurotypical folks go throughout the their lives building on something they like. I imagine in their lives that being "okay" is normal. I imagine the anxiety is occasional, suicidal thoughts evade them, fear of abandonment is not intensified, anger is not explosive and impulsivity is restricted to when they're drunk. I've never known what it's like to just be "okay" for more than a few days maybe a week. So this in between period is new for me. I'm honestly wondering what okay looks like to you guys, please comment and let me know.
Otherwise, this is my okay journey and I'll keep you all abreast
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
IG: bahamian_borderline
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