Borderline Personality Disorder has many components. 9 traits with which they use to describe you and sum you up. Believe me I’m not knocking the big 9. The splitting, the black and white thinking, the instability in sense of self, the rage and even dissociation…all topics people cover all the time when talking about BPD. Even the idea of having a “favorite person”. I remember calling someone my favorite person before even knowing that it was a BPD thing. But what is seldom talked about in the BPD community is the persistent depressive symptoms. The state of always being sad.
I’ve been going through, lately, my journals and books and notes and just things that I’ve written. I used to be told that anything I say could be true or not but if I write it, it’s gospel. There is nothing truer on my heart than that which I write. And I say all that to say…I have been sad all my life. I legitimately do not remember a time when I haven’t been sad. Whether or not I was medicated, happiness has always been fleeting. And I think that’s a kind of truth for everyone. Happiness doesn’t last. And there’s the whole argument between joy and happiness. And I know that that is an argument for the privileged just as much as racial blindness is a white concept.
For people with BPD (and probably Persistent Depressive Disorder-PDD) there is no happiness or joy. There is a constant feeling of sadness, all the time. Not knowing who you are is sad (maddening even), not having stable healthy relationships in anyone including parents, friends and lovers, never being able to identify your own emotions, always being overwhelmed to the point of constantly being suicidal…they are all sad. And it’s not as simple as not finding joy in something you once did, it’s being so detached from that thing that you cannot connect because your whole personality and viewpoint has changed, is changing constantly. There is literally no sense of self. These depressive symptoms last and last. You’re always judging yourself, downing yourself and doubting yourself. There is no good until eventually you realize it IS you. The darkness, the sadness, it’s a part of you. You cannot escape it, it’s literally in the disorder.
Then there’s how people see you. The doctors all try to fix you, there are very few doctors who recognize that BPD depression is much different from a regular depressive episode. A depressive episode is usually circumstantial, and temporary and can be alleviated with medication and lifestyle modification. BPD depression (chronic and persistent) can only be managed. BPD depression is in the personality itself. No amount of lifestyle changes can get rid of it. The best you can do is coast until a deep depression comes every few months. And the worst part is that everyone tries to fix it. Everyone looks at you and sees you’re the problem, you’re the Debbie downer and you’re holding yourself back. NEWSFLASH: I’m not enjoying this. If I could “be positive” my way out of it, I would. If I could medicate my way out of it, I would and God knows I’ve tried. Journaling, exercising, praying, music, reading, art…you name it, I have tried it…WE have tried it.
Pooh and the gang had Eeyore and they never tried to fix him. Because sadness was who he was. But in the real world people don’t think like that. If you’re always sad, always depressed, always crying, people don’t want to be around you. And believe us, we get it. But it does make our argument valid. People really do leave us, especially after coming to the realization that we are always sad. We always make them sad. And in a world that’s so picky on “energy” we always end up alone. We’re not trying to make you sad. We would love it if you accepted us for who we are. I swear we really are trying.
I don’t think I actually did justice to this topic. I really can only hope you get that the sadness we experience is a part of us. It’s not a choice and it’s not a medical condition that can be treated. In the same vain it is deep and distressing. There is nothing we wouldn’t do to be rid of this pain, imagine having to live with the idea that you’re going to be sad for the rest of your life…all 70+ years. I also hope that you get that we need empathy. We’re all very sorry to encroach upon your precious positive energy and vibes. Unfortunately, some of us don’t have that luxury and we need a shoulder to cry on. So if you don’t mind getting wet under our little rain cloud, we could really use the support.
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