Today I need a hug. A hug, an ugly cry and to not be sober…and all that to come to 1 point. I’m under construction.
I had this “relationship” (and I use that word so very loosely) with someone who would only see me at night. And when I went to his house I wasn’t allowed inside. I had to stay in the car. Also I had to park in a spot where there wasn’t too much light so that no one could see me if they looked out. Wherever I parked also had to be in a position where if someone came out they couldn’t spot me and if they did, they would see him and not me.
I was also attached to this guy who also only came by at night. He hated the flood lights in my yard because he believed that people would be able to see him come by. If I saw him in public he acknowledged me but would always go out of his way to act as though we weren’t that close (as if I hadn’t held him at night or cuddled with him for hours).
Again I was attached to this fellow who would invite me over to his place and as soon as the deed was done, would start searching for my clothes so he could send me off in the middle of the night without so much as a hug or kiss goodnight.
The common theme here really is that I kept going back. I spent so much time thinking about it from their perspective and why they did that or how they turned out that way that I spent no time trying to figure out what made me go back despite how it made me feel. I was talking to an old friend the other day and it hit me like a ton of bricks - I did this with my parents. I was constantly trying to prove that I was worthy of love, attention and affection. I was always trying to see it from their perspective why they couldn’t give me love. I was always figuring that maybe if I did this or that or stuck it out until whenever that maybe they would see my worth and be willing to treat me better. I remember specifically these words coming out of my mouth as a teenager “why can’t you see the good in me?” - referring to my mother.
The National Educational Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (NEAPD) posted recently on instagram about how emotional neglect is present in 25%-50% of cases of BPD. I only recently decided to distance myself from these men but because I did I was able to make the connection between desiring my parents attention and affection and desiring the attention and affection of a partner or potential partner. It’s not at all about attracting them because they all put on a good front in the beginning. It’s the fact that when I find out who they really are, it takes me way too long to walk away. And this is true of me even in friendships. I have let so many people walk all over me and dismiss my feelings and reality for years in hopes that maybe they’ll change. Maybe they’ll come to see that I’m worth it and treat me better. Maybe they’ll see it and start treating me with the love I treat them with. But it never happens. There’s a quote that says something like know your boundaries because takers will always take. I hate to feel like I’m the victim, it feels so attention seeking and manipulative (and quite frankly I see at lot of people that are the perpetrators of horrible behavior often paint themselves as victims and it serves as a way to get more attention and validation so they can go on committing more atrocities). But deep down I know that I am.
I have so much reflecting to do on this. Even as we speak I want a hug so badly I’m considering going to park in the the yard in the bushes and sit in the car just to feel some human connection. But truthfully I just want to be loved. I want to be cared for and about genuinely. I want someone who wants to do for me what I want to do for them. What I’ve been doing for others for years. But I’m taking time off. Time off from dating, from sex, from anything that could possibly confuse me into thinking that I’m wanted when really I’m just being lusted after. And that’s not just relationships but friendships as well. I’m doing a total rehabilitation of my interpersonal relationships. It sucks that it’s left me with just two consistent people in my life…but it’s necessary.
If you or someone you know struggles with their worth or is dealing with the long term impact of emotional neglect please reach out. Know that you’re not alone. I can’t promise better days ahead but I can say that if you’re willing to be uncomfortable for a while (while you do the work) the results will payoff. You may have a smaller circle but it will be a better circle.
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