The funny thing about having an illness is that you inherently want to share similar experiences with others who have the disorder. I thought about the phrase “misery loves company” recently and came to the conclusion that the phrase was not necessarily talking about how toxic people want others to be just as “miserable” as they are. I figure it leans more toward “he who feels it knows it.” There is a comfort you get in knowing that you aren’t alone, that someone understands you and your struggles intimately. You’re not a case study or textbook symptoms. Your thoughts, feelings and experiences are validated. Not that you don’t appreciate those that show you empathy and compassion but there’s something so comforting about talking to a person who also has the same struggle as you do.
That being said, I had such a gut wrenching reaction today when my brother said he was dating someone with BPD. And if you think it was “omg I want to meet her and be besties” you’re wrong. I was literally ashamed of my initial thought because I immediately thought “no, don’t do that to yourself!” I immediately thought “why would you date someone like me?” My initial thought was concern, I wanted to protect my brother from dating someone who thinks, feels and behaves the way I do. Ashamed is an understatement.
I literally battled in my head - “but I’m not a bad person-she may not be either.” “But obviously you I’ve had some very unhinged behavior and she will likely have them too.” I fought- “BPD has so many positives and if we keep focusing on the negatives and stigmatizing people then people will never know how great we are and can be” - “but I don’t know her and what if my brother just becomes a martyr.”
I had to really sit with myself and realize that I’m in a space right now where I hate this disorder and I hate myself. I look back at my relationship with my ex and see how much I pushed him away and how much I hurt him and that’s what I saw for my loved one. But my ex, despite the relationship ending, was to date THE BEST man to have entered my life. His love, compassion, understanding and willingness to really know me was something I needed. Even though I tested him and pushed him, I knew there was no one who loved me more deeply than he did. I know the emotional impermanence will cause me to question that but it’s in the way you question if the car door is locked. You’re confident that the car is there, but you’re not sure if YOU acted in the way you should have to secure that car.
Now, my brother is young and dumb in the way everyone that age is and still learning; learning himself, learning the world and learning his purpose in it and I want nothing but the best for him. And after I realized that I’m here hating myself and how I treated the love of my life, I realized she probably feels the same. She’s very likely feeling like she’s doing something wrong, she feels guilty for allowing him to love her, ashamed when she splits or tests him and feels intensely about her emotions toward herself. And at that point I thought…I wished I could talk to her, I wished I could help her, I wished I could be there for her and love her in a way that she knows she’s not alone. I want to stand in solidarity with others who have this disorder and although it looks starkly different on each person, we’re all different leaves of the same tree.
To my brother: I love you and I support you to infinity and beyond
To his girlfriend: I stand with you and I will always support you
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
P.s. I’m writing a book:
Navigating BPD: A survival guide for living with BPD from lived experience
It was set to be released by Christmas, maybe New Year. Unfortunately, my best friend’s father and my 2nd dad died this weekend and so my mental capacity is itty bitty. So with complicated grief and now a new set of grief and just life…😮💨 sis is struggling. So right now the goal is just to get it out but I’ll keep you updated. Be on the lookout.
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