I guess it's only fair to give you all a wrapped up blog since everyone else does it (don't use that excuse people). This year has been such a roller coaster ride. A lot of lows but also some highs which really are made up on just leveling out. For the past 2 months or close to it I've been pretty okay. I've had a pretty good mix of meditation, exercise, and therapy which have all helped me tremendously! The meditation is in fact making me gain weight. However, I'm going to the gym (not losing a single pound but going nonetheless).
Last week in therapy I learned how much I let certain characters take control of my life. The ones that are degrading, belittling, and negative. Whether in the form of an actual person on person in my mind but some character put my own consciousness behind and tells me how I messed up and that I'm not enough. During the Christmas I get this voice as my mother tells me I don't look good enough for the season or I feel like I haven't gotten my niece or nephew a good enough gift. I think about how I don't fit in with the family while my mother shows me off and underhands me at the same time. The Christmas season is one that takes its toll on me. But not this time. This time I feel okay. I feel like I'm ready to say no, to walk away, to stay in my budget and interact only with the people I choose to.
Back to the topic at hand, this year I had a fight with music. Most days it sounded like just noise to me and if by chance I was able to listen I would only be able to do so for a short period of time. For those of you that know me, you know music is a great big part of my life. Even when I can't express myself in words there's a song that captures it, expresses it. But it's really been a hit and miss situation lately. So I've taken to just minding my timer. I try to listen and when it becomes too much for me to bear then I stop it. I talked before about the feeling of anhedonia (the lack of joy in things you once found fulfilling or enjoyable) and I think that I'm still working through that. I don't yet have a list of things that I found enjoyable to work on but I will start with music and hopefully work my way around to other things like painting and art.
I don't have much to update you all on so I'm going to leave you with a few things that I find helpful for getting me through.
1)ATTENTION: I've been needing attention and presence. I find it helpful just to have people that I can be around. No need for talking and reaching. Just plain old fashioned presence
2)PRACTICALITY: Recently a friend came over to my house to help me clean. That was so super helpful. I needed that. I had to put some pride aside but her practical help really allowed me to get things done that I wouldn't otherwise be able to do
3)KNOWLEDGE: I love it when I don't have to explain so deeply because someone looked up the symptoms. I love it so much and it's very helpful for getting my truth across. Besides that it shows how much you care by learning what a person goes through.
4) CHECKING IN: I appreciate friends that come around to check in randomly. They know I was having a hard time and so that come around or send messages just to see. It doesn't guarantee that I'll be in a place to talk but trying counts
5)SAFETY: I appreciated having a place where I felt like I belonged with my BEMA crew (no worries about what it is). The point is I felt like there was a place for my mind to be settled and that was home to me.
I hope that you can take this effort as a wrap up but that's all I have for you today folks.
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
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