I told you in a past blog about a guy who had BPD gouging out his eye because he was lustful. Thankfully spirituality didn't spell legalism for me. But what it did spell was loyalty.
It's known that people with narcissistic tendencies tend to be leaders of some sort. They're your CEO's, police officers and church leaders. I want to preface this by saying not all these people are narcissistic. Also not all my church leaders were but definitely some. To be honest I'm afraid to write this. There is a fear that comes with talking about people you know have the tendency to throw temper tantrums and victimize others. So I'll try my best to stay closer to spirituality and what it did for me rather than the church, although its intertwined.
The family was great! I needed that as someone with BPD. To have a ready support system was the rememdy for so much turmoil. When I had a lot going on in my head, I had friends that I could call and meet up for coffee or lunch or dinner or just sit in the car and talk. It helped with emotional regulation and hearing other's issues always helps with being more empathetic. On the downside if you spoke to the wrong person you were screwed. I remember being raped and the focus of the conversation was more on why I was out at night with a non-Christian rather than the tragic thing that happened to me. They let me know it was my fault for not being wise rather than that the perpetrator needed to be held responsible for his actions. I say that to say just that the church was good and bad in terms of how families went. Having people in your life is important but not if the people aren't safe.
Then there was religious belief in general. I had a sister tell me she believed I had demons because I was mentally ill. Now some people genuinely believe that and it can scar you because no amount of believing can make you not have BPD or depression or anxiety or any mental health challenge. On the flip side it made me realize that I am who I am and I had a choice of keeping safe people in my life or not and I was not interested in being told I have less faith than Sally because I'm challenged. And lastly it made me dig deeper. I had a group of safe people that made it okay for me to have faith and mental illness and so it was safe for me to know more, do more and be more.
Another up and down side was that I became the Guinea pig for mental health in the church. Until I came there wasn't much talk of it, when I came I couldn't shut up about it. Therefore I got scrutinized a lot but I also put people in their place about how to go about helping people like me. So I helped others that came in after me but I also helped people in the church to learn. But it was definitely an exhausting task. One that I would do again.
A lot of people wrote me off spiritually as always struggling with something because of my mind but there were a few who knew my knowledge far surpassed most of those on the pulpit and that was disheartening. It's ultimately why I left the church but it's sad to know you've been put in a box.
Spiritually, BPD means I'm more predisposed to certain sin or missing the mark. Sex was one of them as intimacy is always needed for a borderline and we frequently trade sex for intimacy. Another was fits of rage, and I definitely battled with suicidal tendencies. Now I'm not talking about "sin" but about missing the mark. It was hard to stay on the narrow path when you have a rope tied to you pulling you away and not mere distraction (which is tough as it is). I had to be disciplined in a way that required more effort than most. And with good people it made that easier but with the wrong people it was hell on earth.
Encourage your spiritual friend to really know why they hold on to faith, not to be quiet about how to be treated and to find a good circle. Spirituality may have to go deep in order to stay but that's okay. Hermeneutics never hurt anyone. But all in all faith doesn't affect you as much as people do.
Shout out to: Shayol Gone for the topic
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
IG: bahamian_borderline
Commentaires