I only in the last 5 or so years found out that not everyone thinks that suicide is an option. For me, in my darkest moments, its been almost a go-to decision. For most people with BPD this can be an act of manipulation. I.e. "if you leave me, I will..." or "I will kill myself if you don't..." they use their life as leverage because they don't see it as that important or that it's the only thing that's important enough to get a person to realize the weight of the feelings they're experiencing. For me it's a little different. I don't see my life as important and therefore don't use it as leverage. However, because (in the moment) it's not important to me, I use it as a scale of how important it is to others. So it turns out more like "if you love me you would...otherwise I can take my life." Because my life can be sometimes unimportant to me (as we have a tendency to view ourselves as a burden) I have to weigh it and find out what's more important to the person in front of me.
We don't intentionally swing our lives on a string. More so we cannot see the value in life as our broken images can see only fragments of childhood trauma and reliving them repeatedly. Can you imagine never being able to look in the mirror and seeing a whole person; never knowing who you are; experiencing hallucinations and dissociation just because you're stressed, and the list goes on. Knowing that these symptoms have no cure and that you can only hope that with age it slows down is torture. You live each day knowing full well that this madness will never end. This is why suicide is always an option for us. I know full well this is an oversimplification of the matter but it may be the best explanation I can manage. If you have any questions you can leave them down in the comments.
I don't want to advise anyone to take suicide lightly. In most cases it is a cry for help. Use all the tools I mentioned in other posts to help. But most importantly learn to make yourself available and know when things are above your head to call a professional.
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
Follow me on Instagram @bahamian_borderline
No one really made me feel like mental health was that important to me and others around me. Never really had anybody that shared mental challenges before in my circle. The last two - three years, have provided me with a flood of information, that has made me said whoa! Is this actually happening in the lives of people? I am an action first person serving people in every arena and I believe that I am successful at that but this arena is different because it is teaching me how to navigate and act and be helpful when in many instances I can feel useless to my friends sufferings that is plaguing them in their mind. I don’t know how…