BPD Apology

May is Borderline Personality Awareness Month. I think it's also ironic that May is also Mental Health Awareness Month - BPD is considered THE most distressing mental illness but it is overshadowed by having Mental Health in general as the focus since we ALL have mental health but only roughly 2% of the population has BPD. I digress. The other day while scrolling on the instant gram (Instagram) I came across a video on BPD whereas the person was writing or reading an apology letter to the persons they hurt during an un-managed bout of BPD. While the content of the letter itself was fine, I took issue with just 1 phrase in particular..."MAY have."

Honestly, I don't think I have hurt a huge amount of people as a result of my BPD. I think for the most part, I hurt myself more than anyone else. Although, there is 1 person that I did hurt and I regret it with every fiber of my being. I could never offer anyone an apology including the word "may." "May" implies that there is a possibility that I did not hurt the person, there is a possibility that my actions did not impact that person negatively or that the person does not see, feel or recognize the pain that I intentionally, unintentionally or inadvertently inflicted upon them. To say "may" implies that what I did has the potential to be a non-factor. To say "may" is a slap in the face and a sucker punch to that person.

Take for instance, you go to the store and the credit card terminals aren't working. There will be a sign that says "sorry for the inconvenience this may have caused." This is acceptable because there is a possibility that you came with intentions to pay in cash and didn't need the terminals. There is a possibility that you were going to pay via card but had cash handy and again didn't need the terminals. However, you may have cash on hand but only a certain amount and it affects the amount of things you wanted to buy. Maybe you had cash on hand but it was allotted to something else and now you have to make a stop to the bank (which was not on your schedule or may be out of your direct path). Maybe, you don't travel with cash - card was your only payment option and now you have to wait to buy groceries despite your cupboards being bare, or having to travel to another store. The point here is that there is potential for that act or situation (the terminal being down) to either cause inconvenience or not. In that case "may" is appropriate.

If, by chance you're wearing stilettos, and you step on someone's toe - the person clearly says "owwww" and you turn around and say "sorry for the pain I MAY have caused" - that is completely inappropriate. You KNOW full well that you hurt that person. The person expressed their pain, their discomfort, their hurt; you cannot say "may" as though there is a possibility that you didn't hurt them. Saying that you "take full responsibility for your actions" and following it up with "for the pain I MAY have caused" is a cop out.

I get where the creator was going with the video. Though it may not seem like it, I fully endorse their message. I agree that an apology is necessary despite knowing that an apology will NEVER fully cover or atone for the wrong, the pain and the hurt that was doled out by our actions in light of this disorder. I understand all too well how un-managed BPD can wreak havoc on relationships, dole out pain and confusion, manipulation and torture to those we love and wish to hold onto for dear life. In our own pain, confusion and fear we hurt the people we love and want to be with and around the most because we are ill-equipped to recognize, process and communicate our needs, wants and desires. As a result, those we try to hold onto, HAVE to walk away - for our sake and for their own.

When I think about my person - my ex - when I re-read the messages, reflect on our interactions, think about our challenges and our subsequent breakup - there is no "may." I've said sorry so many times that I'm sick of hearing it from, even, myself. I know that no "sorry" would ever be enough to placate or soothe the wounds I've placed on and in his heart. I could not ever use the word "may" because I would never insult him in that way. I know that now, the only apology I can give to him is to continue to heal. The only sorry that would be of value is to continue my therapy, to learn the techniques, practice them and communicate in ways where a healthy relationship can thrive. There MAY not be an option for us to be together again but I choose to continually say "sorry" by being the person I know he always believed I was and could be.

And to me...I always found it so hard to grasp the idea of "you deserve" love, or this or that. I have only recently come to the understanding that I do. For all the times I told myself to be quiet and not speak up for myself, my rights, my feelings, for what I knew was right - I deserve a voice that refuses to stay silent. For all the years I allowed people to hurt me and turn it inward and find a way to say that it must have been my fault - I deserve to be angry and express my anger. For every time I sacrificed myself, my sensibilities, my comfortability, and my mental health for the sake of others - deserve to say yes to me and "no" to someone else. I am sorry to myself for allowing myself to be a punching bag for much longer than necessary. I am sorry, to myself, for pretending to be a doormat and for not realizing what I needed. Despite that I'm not keen on telling myself "sorry," I will continue to apologize by speaking up for myself, by validating my feelings, by building a community that loves and supports me in truth and in action.

There is no "may." I hurt the man I love and I will work to not betray the love he gave me.

There is no "may." I have hurt me, and I will work to not betray me again.

My apology does not lie in the word "sorry" but in the steps I am taking and continuing to take to be whole and healthy.

Love to me, and to you,

Dat Bahamian Borderline

IG: @bahamian_borderline

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