Today is the day I have to go get my medications. If there's one thing I could pick to hate about being mentally ill it's the medication. From side effects to loss of humanity.
Follow me here: when one is sick one uses medication to help them to equip the body to fight off the illness. When a man has erectile dysfunction or a woman is barren it signifies that there is something inherently wrong with their natural bodies that can make them feel fundamentally broken as that's what the body is built to do. No medication can fix it. This is how I feel, that something is fundamentally wrong with me.
Here's why: the medication anyone with BPD is on is for the comorbid mood disorder. For me it's depression and anxiety. But these are also staples in the Personality disorder itself and it cannot be cured. Therefore I'm on medication for life. Every time I swallow a pill I'm reminded that I can't make myself happy on my own, that I can't fight off the darkness/sickness on my own accord. I'm broken. Fundamentally broken. No one likes that. I don't like the reminder and it makes me want to stop medications frequently. But when I do, the depression hits me harder and I'm thrust into running back to the medication for some semblance of relief. I will never be able to revert to my body to pick up the slack in my brain.
Now let's talk about the side effects. Ugh! WEIGHT GAIN! Need I say more?! Then there's nausea and vomiting for most. I won't go into detail because the side effects are different for each person, some not experiencing any at all. But as for me and my back rolls, it is a conscious decision that every time I stop meds and start again I will gain a few extra pounds that I'm unable to get rid of. This seems like a good trade off for being healthy but in my case putting on weight can actually send me into a deeper depression and in some cases make me consider ending my life. For some people the trade-off is not worth it. I know what you're thinking, just exercise girl! If you were depressed in your life you know how difficult that can be. The biggest problem being that most times you only lose a very insignificant amount of weight because diet is not the real problem. But, I'm an adult and I have to do difficult things if it means staying healthy. I'll try to put exercising in vain on my list of things to do.
Anyway, this deserves a part 2. Please leave any questions you have in the comments and I'll be sure to answer and address them in part 2.
In the meantime, encourage your friends and family if their on medication. Not just to take them but letting them know how much you love them and want to see them happy and healthy.
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
I hate the medication and the weight gain too. Even though I’m off the medication, still trying to find the motivation to exercise is far.