The topic today is passive suicidality. And while I won’t be talking about any gruesome details (as there often aren’t any in these cases) I will note that it may be hard for some people to read.
There are several ways to address the topic of passive suicidality and I want to tap very gently on a few of them. The first thing is that suicidal tendencies are a common symptom among persons with Borderline Personality Disorder. The challenge is when you have been rubbed raw and have exposed skin, even the blowing of the wind can be painful. With that being the case, it makes wanting to live very difficult. Add to that the constant misunderstanding of those around you believing that your reaction to the blown wind is out of proportion while dismissing your exposed nature…it’s not ideal. You can add to that the friendships spoiled, relationships lost, and difficulties finding peace and you have a recipe for the desire to end it all. But the thing about all of this being the case is that the thoughts are passive.
Passive meaning that they go under the radar, they aren’t as intense, they exist but can easily be overlooked. Passive suicidal thoughts sound like: “I’m tired”, “I can’t/don't want to do this anymore”, “if it wasn’t for my_____ I don’t think I’d be here”, “no one would understand how much my _____ saved me.”, “I’m only here because of ____.” The cry sounds like the only reason for living is that child/children, or because someone needs you, or because of fear of death. It is the idea that the only thing keeping the person alive is an external factor that they cannot control. The difference between passive suicidal thoughts and active ones is that when it becomes active, those reasons begin to lose weight. At the time of active suicidal thoughts you begin to think that the child/children are better off without you, that nothing in death could be as bad as in life, that you can’t possibly take on anything more than you currently have on your plate.
I have realized that passive suicidal thoughts are MUCH more common than we like to acknowledge and very few people are talking about it. We still haven’t wrapped our heads around suicide, grief related to suicide and grief surrounding suicide attempts. Acknowledging that a great bulk of humans walking the planet are only doing so because of an invisible string holding them together is such a heavy thought to hold. It doesn’t make it any less true though.
This has been a hard topic that I’ve wanted to write about for a while but haven’t really figured out what angle to take it from. A part of me wants to acknowledge that the reason this exists is because the way that society has been shaping itself, it makes living very hard. We (in the mental health field and as humans) have tried to fight this issue by teaching people to be grateful for what they DO have. While this is great…it does not address the greater problem, that the world is set up to perpetuate that lack, to poison and rape us and rake us over the coals to provide profit for a select few. Truth is that while we take the focus off the larger picture, we create spaces where injustice continues to flourish and the mental health of the majority to decline.
Another thing I think about this is that: is it really something that needs to be “fixed?” Obviously, I’m not advocating for active suicide or the loss of human life but is it really a bad thing to have the thought of ending it all in the face of reality? In the reality that my mental health is poor, my living conditions and standards are less than ideal and hope for better is dim and likely unachievable, why is it so difficult to wrap our heads around the idea that I’m only here because the empathy I feel for those who may suffer as a result of my passing? I guess my real concern is why are we shying away from this reality as though it were a bad and unreasonable thing. If we can use this indicator to focus AND CARE enough about the real issues, like empathy, humanity, respect, equity etc then wouldn’t things change for the better? We don’t need to change the person, we need to change the broken system that creates this desire to end life.
And lastly, I want to talk about this in relation to BPD. Narcissistic personality and Borderline personality have been on the rise in terms of research topics. NPD I will not touch on but BPD only gives you 2 options. 1 is there is a lot of information on how difficult the disorder is and how much trouble it creates for the person who has it. The other option is how horrible the disorder is and how the people who have it makes the lives of those around them a living hell. Obviously the internet has ZERO chill as it relates to the diagnosis. All I want to say is that passive suicidal thoughts and even active thoughts and attempts are part of the package. They are truly in line with the amount of pain and anguish that the Borderline personality feels in that moment. It doesn’t make it better for the people around them as they never know when will be the last time they’ll see that person alive. They never know if the string they provide is enough to keep that BPD’er together. It’s a scary thought and feeling. The level of empathy that needs to be extended in this case is insurmountable, by both parties. Both sides need to do their share of the work to ensure that common ground is built to support and protect each person when in these vulnerable times.
All in all, whether BPD is involved or not, passive suicidality needs empathy. It is the only way to disarm the weapon of suicide. In the words of the original and great power puff girls
“Love makes the world go ’round”
Community is what builds us, and its lack can break us.
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
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