Don't Tell Me Happy Mother's Day

I've been contemplating writing this all day and I haven't really sold myself on the idea with any real sincerity. I have no research to back up what I'm saying and this is purely based on experience and the outlook of myself and those close to me.

As I look at the statuses of my peers, I see so many tributes to the mothers (and this is by no means an attack on those persons and definitely not on their mothers) but I've noticed recently - over the last 5 or so years - there has been an up tick in a certain kind of mother's day post. There's a picture where the different types of mothers are mentioned - saying happy mother's day to them. For example: Happy Mother's Day to - those who are grieving the loss of their mother, those who can't become mothers, those who are estranged/have strained relationships with their mothers, those who lost children, etc. This being the first mother's day that I am experiencing "no contact" with my mom, I have become even more torn about these posts than ever before...actually, not torn but perturbed.

I remember one year in church, on mother's day, I made a short speech - mostly on behalf of myself and my dad. In that speech I took the time to overtly shout-out my mother, but covertly express my sadness of having lost her long before I knew her, or myself. I spoke to people who would be feeling horrible on mother's day not because their mother had passed (which is something people very frequently understand and empathize with) but feeling bad because their mother's were alive and yet they felt they had no mother. People whose mothers were alcoholic (like my dad's mother was) and had abandoned them in more ways than one, people whose mothers were on drugs or prostitutes (like another friend of mine's mother was) and had actively abandoned them or aided in their trauma in unfathomable ways, generally people who lost their mothers while their mothers were VERY much alive. I also mentioned people who had miscarriages and lost the title of mother just as quickly as they had gained it - and yet still felt like they deserved or had it. I asked for a moment of silence for the mothers we had lost physically and emotionally and for the children that were lost that made us grieve the title of mother. In that speech, I did not say "Happy Mother's Day" to those people but I offered a place to hold space for the grief they felt. I was offering a space to hold the grief I held as I stared my mother in the face, watching her smile back at me, and knowing full well that I will NEVER know the love of a mother - not through her.

My father was in tears and several people came to me afterwards and thanked me for saying the things they felt but could never say. On this mother's day, I sit and reflect on how much dread and angst and anxiety I have felt all month regarding this day. I know that having not called, texted, sent a gift or communicated in any way will lead to my name being smeared by her to the family, her coworkers, my brothers, my father and really anyone that will lend her an ear. I know that mother's day is the day she waits for as validation that she is an amazing mother who did an awesome job without any regard for the level of mental, emotional, physical, financial and spiritual trauma she has inflicted on any of her children. She waits for this day as a start to the fresh slate that is given her to do more damage the moment she is handed a gift or card. I, along with so many others, are in such a significant amount of pain on this day.

Why wish us a Happy Mother's Day?

No matter how much "work" we do, how much forgiveness we dole out, how much we become that which we never had - we will never experience the fondness of memories. We will never have the opportunity to think about the love or the bond or the regard we have toward our mothers. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate MANY things my mother has done for me, even more so, when I think about the fact that my mother has NPD, I know that many times she may have TRIED to love us, but fell just as quickly as she got up. I know that she is not capable of being anyone other than who she is but it DOES NOT cover for the harm I suffered at her hands. I do not understand for the life of me why anyone would tell me Happy Mother's Day!

I remember a close friend complaining about how their mother wanted to leave them their house in the will and that they were perturbed and perplexed. Their argument being that they wanted to be self-sufficient and wanted to not have to lean on what their mother gave them. I sat there and I understood exactly why they felt what they did but was in tears. I could not understand how they weren't moved by the love and consideration of their mother. I knew full well that my mother would take from me quicker than give to me - like the time she took my savings for college - banking on the fact that if I got a scholarship I wouldn't need the money and would never find out that she took it. And here it is, your mother wants to give you a home - and you're reluctant to take it. And I cried like a baby because I was jealous that their mother actually loved them and mine only saw me insomuch as she could gain from me. Those are the memories I'm left with, no amount of forgiveness can erase those.

Society, religion, culture, peers and just pure DNA, make us hard wired to love our parents. If by chance you are in a position where doing that is STILL difficult or even impossible - believe there is a damn good reason (reasonSSSS) as to why that is true. Very likely, the reason isn't you. We are in pain and we don't typically want to be told to be Happy about it. Some of us don't care about it. Very few of us accept it and are grateful that you even thought of us. I'm just begging people to think of us in our humanity.

I leave with this last point - I know this is much longer than my normal post. I was teaching some 5th graders about Autism Awareness recently and asked them how can we spread awareness and/or help people with autism. One child raised their hand and confidently said

Child: "we can ask their parents about them"

me: "what do you mean? why ask their parents?"

child: "we can ask them what kind of things they like and stuff to know more about them."

me: "but why ask their parents?"

child: *looks so confused at how I don't understand

me: "why ask the parent? why can't you just ask them? why not spend time with the autistic person and ask them yourself?"

child: *stammers, flabergasted that that was an option

So frequently, we think about others, hold them and their situation in regard but fail to actually find out how they feel or what they think. I'm very certain that the person or persons who made or make those images think about us who struggle on mother's day, but I wonder did they ever ask if we WANT to be told HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

love,

Dat Bahamian Borderline

IG: bahamian_borderline

site: www.navigatingbpd.com