On the reserve team

I'm honestly writing against the clock in more ways than one. Despite being bound by time I would like to take a moment to say thank you to this community. Thank you once again for checking to see what I, in my little bubbled world, have to say. Thank you for caring about my reality and my truth, my view and my general being. As I say that big thank you, I hope it carries weight as I speak about the topic I chose to write on today.

I've had so many topics in mind, and yet none at all. This is the only one resonating with me right now. It is the concept of being present but not included, being in a community but not being part of the same. I find that in the circles I traverse my presence is never rejected, but it is not invited either. I will explain why this finds itself lodged in my brain.

I was recently introduced to a way of life or thinking called "Human Design." Human Design is used the same way astrology and numerology is. It uses your birth date and time to map out the kind of character traits you are likely to possess. I was very skeptical when I first heard of it because I never fit neatly into the box of any of them but I don't close off the idea. When I got my report, I was nothing short of astounded of how accurate the write up was. When I shared it with my closest friend, he was shocked, he thought it was a write up from my therapist of my personality. One of the key factors of the write up was the importance of waiting for an invitation to engage. It talked about how I have the kind of personality where people feel compelled to listen to and even follow - but only when others see my value and invite me to do so. When I try to insert myself into a community or into a person's life without being invited, I run the risk of feeling rejected and as though I have no place, no meaning and no value. I have never heard a more accurate statement.

Despite being a Leo, I hate being the center of attention. I don't like all eyes on me and I don't prefer leadership roles. Granted, I find myself frequently in leadership roles because I tend to see things in ways others don't which helps in planning and details. But when it comes to personal relationships, I really crave deep connection. That connection is built on feeling valued, included and considered. I have only recently been able to put into words this feeling I have as it relates to the communities I've been a part of with the help of an Instagram post - but it felt so very pointed to how I think of myself in these spaces.

I'm going to attempt to break this down (I apologize for the disorganized nature of this post, I am currently both physically and mentally off). I have been frequenting a community for quite some time now, going to events, talking to the coordinators, helping out, bringing patrons, etc. I went to an event where those very people I had been interacting with for months were there also. They acknowledged me but proceeded to stick to their group, laughing, dancing, socializing without thinking to include me. I tried to engage but was met with that awkwardness that comes with not being part of. I had spoken to my friend about it and he explained to me how my crappy autistic-like brain doesn't do well with identifying hierarchies in groups, thus not knowing who it is that I really need to befriend to actually be accepted into the group. But it feels so much deeper. It is the challenge of being loved but not liked. The challenge of when no one hates you or despises you so they don't throw you out, but no one connects with you or accepts you so you end up on the sidelines shocked when anyone remembers your name.

Similarly with my ex: we spoke recently and there was an understanding that I'm still there and working on things to hopefully reconnect at another time. Since then, although I haven't been blocked, I now wait days, maybe a week or so for a one word response. I'm not being told to leave but in action I know I'm not connected, not considered and not valued. Things are similar with others in my life. I can literally think of only 1 person that I need not question if they really want me in their life and if they value me and my presence.

I have been working on being part of a community since December, taking intentional and actionable steps. In the first group, I was literally drugged and nearly died. Now in this one, I feel like I'm interacting with everyone from outside the window. According to Human Design the reason I feel this way is because I'm predisposed to this kind of rejection. I, apparently, need to be seen and valued to be invited. When others see my value and invite me, it makes feeling connected easy. THIS has been my challenge for a long time. I am in a spot where I want to withdraw. I prefer to be alone and talk down to myself than to be shown just how far I am from everyone and have to fill in the blanks about why I'm not good enough to be included. It boils down to not being ------ enough - if we're using layman's terms. It's not that I'm not good, just not good enough. It's not that I'm not considered at all, but not a priority. It's not the loneliness of not being anyone's priority...it is the loneliness of waiting for the other kids to invite you to play and it never happens.

I really have the urge to withdraw and not engage with anyone at all because this is equally as heartbreaking as it is taxing. I am tired and I am hurting. BUT...I want to say thank you to all of you that connect with me here. Thank you to all of you that show me my value by consistently checking. A few days ago I went to a funeral and someone I know said "Hey! I see you've been doing a lot, published a book, doing seminars, good stuff man!" When I got home I thought how true it is that things look so good on paper, meanwhile you can still feel like your life is falling apart. Thank you for connecting with me in the "fall apart" part of my life and not just congratulating me in the "successful" on paper parts of my life.

Love you all,

Dat Bahamian Borderline

IG: bahamian_borderline