It would be remiss of me not to write for the Christmas season, especially with so much time on my hands. Last year I wrapped up with a list of things I wanted in general but this year I’ll let you know what I have. Depression and anxiety…in an abundance 😑
The holiday season has always been difficult for me and for so many others. The mass spending of money, the uncertainty if anyone will show you appreciation, the inflation of the essentials, social gatherings or lack thereof and the dreaded family interactions. If ever there was a time to have low mood and motivation, this time of year is it. Ironically, in therapy, we’ve decided to work on my interpersonal skills. Deeper than that is that we’re working on building a sense of self so that I can figure out what spaces I feel a sense of belonging to. The other ironic part being that I am more alone this Christmas than I ever have been. 2022 was my first Christmas in 11 years without my church family, by 2023 I had no boyfriend and now I am estranged from my mother (which pretty much means I’m estranged from the entire family).
I’ve realized only in the last few days how much of a big deal it is for me to feel alone. Of course I know that I tend to isolate when I’m not well, I tend to feel like the odd man out in any group and I’ve just gotten used to going places, finding a spot in the corner that’s out of sight and out of the way and being there alone. Now this does not mean that I’m completely socially inept; I actually have the capacity to connect with people in a meaningful way whenever I so choose to do. I can take it a step further and say that people tend to be drawn to me in many ways I think as I can ooze empathy and understanding. I don’t, however, always WANT that kind of interaction. Needless to say, I’m constantly in a state of feeling lonely or anxious about feeling lonely. (Another ironic tidbit is that I spend a great deal of time alone - not usually with any challenge. I live alone.)
So for the last few months I’ve put myself in many positions to find a community. I’ve not been the most successful to be honest but here I am just a few days away from Christmas with no family, friends on vacation, work closed and working on interpersonal connections. I’m with the drumming circle where there’s a certain level of relaxation but dreading knowing and feeling how alone I really am. I’m grateful for the one person who always talks to me, even if only for a minute.
So this Yuletide season, I encourage all the people who have a circle to be engaged and grateful. And for those of us who don’t have a community to seek and if not to feel (not spiral but be present in that aloneness). So I guess as I go on this adventure of building myself from scratch and penetrating the walls of already established communities, join me. Who knows where I’ll end up, or you, but let’s just end up somewhere.
Alone in a crowd,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
IG: bahamian_borderline
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