To medicate or Not to medicate…?

How the hell am I still alive?

Mad little kid

Okay so now that I’ve gotten your attention, I’d like to say that I’m probably better than you think. In the same vein I’m probably worse than I think. I don’t know that I have a topic to explore more so than a question I have to answer. Earlier this month I had the most interesting mood swings than I’ve ever experienced. Over an 8 day period I swung very intensely with each emotion lasting roughly 2 days. My therapist then pointed out to me that my emotions mimicked that of the stages of grief. This was interesting because this is not the first professional to tell me how I show signs of grief without us ever really figuring out why…

The easy answer for me is that I experienced complicated grief when my ex and I broke up. For more than 2 years the break up felt like a fresh wound that was repeatedly inflicted on me every day, week or month. There was no healing. A part of me still feels like that’s what’s happening but I feel like maybe it’s deeper, different. I think a part of what I’m grieving isn’t just that specific relationship but that safety and for each time I experience a lack of safety and support (whether at work, with a friend, however big or small) I emotionally re-live that grief. I don’t think I’m just mourning the relationship but I’m mourning all the things that BPD naturally robs you of that I found in my person. As I live with BPD, I am forced to have emotional flashbacks of the relationship, the safety and support and having lost it as well as the trauma attached to never having it before. I think the intensity matches the connection to both trauma and grief and they cannot be separated. Since the trauma and the attachment issues are ingrained into the disorder, it is something I may not actually get over (also partly because grief doesn’t want you to get over it).

Relationships with mental illness

With that in mind, along with my recent and very bad depressive episode; I think it may be time for me to consider being medicated again. My depression has affected my weight/eating habits and even though I’m not mad at the weight loss, it is a constant reminder of how much I’m letting myself go uncared for. I had been dosing myself with antihistamines for sleep to no avail and the only time I get an even remotely restful night is if I pop an antipsychotic (very expired, and only a quarter of what was prescribed, usually months in between). I have a routine, I try to eat and sleep but I don’t have a support system (but for my support dot). I can’t tell if getting a support system will help such that I won’t need meds or if I need meds to calm my system down enough to get a support system.

What I do know is that I’m very tired of being alone. I’m tired of always having to “fix” myself without any help. I’m tired of the lingering depression and anxiety.

I also hate the idea of the weight gain. I hate the waiting period where things get worse before they get better on the meds. I hate the doctor’s appointments and money associated.

Most of all, I hate that this is what my life is. That this is a decision I have to make, a reality I have to live and I reality I can’t escape. I hate that I will always in one way or another be fighting to juggle what people live normally. Like how is this bare minimum for you and I’m struggling to attain it like the proverbial carrot on a string…wild concept to me.

Anywho…based on what you know (feel free to read a few of the blog posts to understand better) do you think I need to be medicated again? Or do you think I gat this medication free?

Would love your input ❤️

Love,

Dat Bahamian Borderline

IG: bahamian_borderline

Love in all forms