Nightmares are the anxiety of the sleeping hours. They are the worst! I'm so sorry I haven't written in quite some time. I've been exhausted and quite honestly, it's been all I can do to get through the day much less get through it without crying. One of the biggest things I've been dealing with is a lack of sleep or lack of good sleep. I have a fairly steady sleep routine. I take my medication at 9pm and I get in bed and try to listen to music while I literally rock myself to sleep. Seems fair enough, until I actually get to sleep and all hell breaks loose in the form of dreams.
Dreams can be an insight to the day and tell you what's important to you or what's been pressing on your mind that you may not have dealt with. It can also be a replay of the day while some say it can connect you with God or a higher power. Whatever you believe about dreams it's certain that they leave a lasting impression and can impact how you function the following day. If you're like me and having nightmares, I'm sure you understand how the delicate dream reality can wreak havoc.
I've been dreaming a lot of fights with my mother and my brother. In most cases I'm standing up for myself and letting her know about the abuse she's putting me through which of course causes a narcissistic rage that turns into a fight. I wake up actually punching, kicking or pushing (I almost fell out of the bed once with my stellar karate moves). My heart is racing, jaw clenched, fists balled and ready to defend myself or "start some sh!t." In other dreams I relive my brother molesting me and putting me in positions where he can take advantage of me. In each dream of that nature I end up fighting for my life and my voice and my ability to get away from the devious actions of my brother. I've now gotten to the point of having to buy a mouth guard because I'm clenching my jaw so hard or grinding my teeth to the point that it wakes me up. I'm now used to waking up several times a night in a panic from my nightmares. It's truly exhausting.
What I know about trauma is that it finds a way to make you relive it. Especially if you're not in a safe environment. My mother has been living with me for the past 3 months and my brother had a brief stay with me after being evicted in April. Even though I'm in my own home and in my own bed, the feeling of not being safe is overwhelming with my abuser in my face. Don't get me wrong, I've had these dreams long before she was with me but they happened sporadically. And that's my point. Trauma does an amazing job of ensuring that you never forget from whence your hurt came. Your body and mind stay in a state of hyper vigilance. You're always ready to run, jump, kick and scream your way out of a situation that isn't even there. It's like the trauma is having a good laugh at making the baby cry. That sense of hyper vigilance can be exacerbated by being in an unsafe environment. My family being in my personal space is that unsafe environment. I'm constantly walking around avoiding arguments or manipulation in my own home and it carries over at night.
I'm sure this could be some level of PTSD I'm experiencing but until I get that diagnosed I'm going to just go with nightmares. Remember that your mind is only here to protect you. It's so important to be patient with yourself because even though it's a total pain in the posterior, your mind is trying to make sure you always have a way to McGiver out of a situation (probably spelt my age there; let me know if you know who McGiver is). If not McGiver then Carmen Sandiego (probably another way too old example). I try my best to be breath myself back into a state of calm so that I can get another hour of sleep. While I don't like to Bruce Lee in the bed, I appreciate that my mind is fighting back the people I couldn't fight in my waking day.
I've also found peace in my "stimming." Stimming is a form of sensory seeking and self-soothing. During the day I stim SO SO much. I tend to count fingers and shake my legs. When my anxiety gets really bad you can find me literally rocking side to side in my chair like a total basket case. I never mind though because it's comforting. At night I tend to rub my feet together and rock myself to sleep like a baby. Again, I find it quite comforting. I'm in no place to suggest anything because most of my stimming is involuntary, but I think if you stim, embrace it! And if you don't maybe you can try something small that's comfortable for you. Stimming doesn't stop my nightmares but I am happy to have something that helps me to calm down. Now I just need to figure out how to address the actual trauma so I can get a good nights sleep.
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
IG: bahamian_borderline
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