I've been sitting with some very uncomfortable thoughts and feelings for a while. These thoughts being particularly distressing since the final stages of the book are upon me. Nearly a month ago in therapy I was asked why I wasn't making progress per se; Why did it seem that despite having the workbook, the therapist, the education, the research abilities (essentially all the tools and a builder - so it was framed) I was not moving along? It really sparked for me the question of what are my treatment goals but more so, what were hers? What did she consider to be progress? What did "better" look like to her? But that for me ended up being a very small question in comparison to what does "better" look like in BPD, what does better look like to society and more importantly who the hell created the definition of better? And a daunting thought...who created the "solution?"
BPD means feeling things very intensely and reacting in proportion to the intensity of the feelings in a world where "catching" or "being in your feelings" is seen as a bad thing. I know a person who has been steadily implying that my instability means that I am incapable of coherent and intelligent thought, and boy is that far from the truth. I hate accepting the label "gifted" but I am and I tend to see things in patterns and pick out ideologies and concepts and larger scale ills. I am able to look at people, see their hurt (as most BPD-ers have the ability to do) and fit that hurt into the concept of the world. I am open minded enough to think about why the person did what they did (without judgement) and how these actions can fit into a larger concept of the perpetuation of the world systems. As such what I am coming to realize is that the very same persons that created the term dysfunction are also the people who created the definition of function and defined and shaped the solution. The end goal being that the definition of functioning is to be stable and strong enough to participate in the larger dysfunction without rocking the boat (or causing trouble for the powers that be). Not bringing this back to slavery but it is very much like the idea that slave owners gave slaves vitamins to ensure that their bodies were healthy enough to withstand the cruelties being inflicted on them. It pains me to say this as a mental health professional, but therapy has been used as a way to ensure that people are just functional enough to participate in the larger dysfunction of the world without bringing that cruelty to an end.
Working in a school, I've seen the system fail and continue to do so to the children and to the teachers and staff in general. I find that a lot of my coworkers see and know the challenges but don't "let it get to them." When it "gets" to me I'm upset (and rightfully so) and I want to do something about it and am met with many reasons to "just let it be". Even when I do, I still feel very strongly about it and that is looked on as instability. I am (and have been for a while) of the opinion that BPD is the cross of taking on the emotions that others have been trained not to. So that coworker who is tired from being overworked but can't speak up, the co-worker who decides to just leave it to God, the coworker who compartmentalizes and the coworker who just keeps busy to not think on it...I carry the emotions for them all. If everyone pushes it aside, who will feel it? If everyone is too afraid to fix it, then who will evoke change? This is not just about work but every facet of our lives. I believe that we, with BPD, have the ability to feel deeply because we are feeling on behalf of so many others. So this leads me back to 2 questions.
The first thing I have to answer is: what are my treatment goals? It's not to go into remission, it's not to have little to no symptoms, not to feel less strongly...it is simply to not hurt others in the process. It is to communicate my thoughts and feeling and understand my actions so that I can mitigate hurt and/destruction.
The hardest question I've had to sit with is: knowing that therapy has it's own way of adding to a broken, dysfunctional and dysregulated world...how do I deconstruct that and offer something closer to individual, authentic healing? What does this mean for my life and identity as a counsellor? I know that I do not want to engage in suppressing people's actually healthy reaction to the brokenness of this world, but I do also find merit and meaning behind a lot of the principles of modern psychology. If you have any suggestions or comments please do let me know.
UPDATE on book: It is the goal to have a pre-sale in May during BPD awareness month and a full launch in July. I'm also looking for a few beta readers s you can message me to let me know if you're interested.
Hope to hear from you.
Love,
Date Bahamian Borderline
Comments