This is the second edition of how mental illness can be invisible. The truth is as long as you don't have a severe form of a disorder you're not seen as having a disability. For instance, you can usually tell when someone has down syndrome or a severe form of autism or maybe even schizophrenia. But a person like me with BPD that you can have a conversation with and talk coherently with you dismiss that I see the world through a different lens.
Why is this significant?
I mentioned Blaine Larson before asking the question "how do you get that lonely [to commit suicide] and no body knows" it's because no one saw the invisible signs. A few days ago I posted the signs and symptoms of BPD and that's important because none of it is seen unless you're in a relationship with that person. Even still you can only see the pain from the outside and imagine the turmoil on the inside. The chaos in my head, mind and body sometimes can be so overwhelming that I prefer to have a broken leg or some visible injury that I can fix and get rid of. I wish I could slap a bandaid on it and it'll go away but I can't. I even wish I had a disabled sign I could wear so that I don't have to pay the price of pretending to be normal when I know I'm not.
It's very tiresome to talk to people about things and know that that's only your reality sometimes. For instance, when in the midst of dissociation you can have whole conversations about your mental health or other things and when you're out of it the reality changes. When you talk to that person again, you're shocked at what was said because that wasn't you. Or the things you do when trying to ensure that you're not abandoned. One time I had to be admitted to hospital because I perceived that a friend didn't want me anymore and in my sobriety I was ashamed to look at her because of what I did to "make her stay." Luckily she stuck by me until I got my diagnosis to explain my actions.
The point is, you're looking in the face of a very "normal" individual until you're not. By the time you see the depression or the anxiety or the Obsessive-compulsions you're too late. Go and check out the symptoms of BPD...don't let the "too late" person be you.
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
Follow me on Instagram @bahamian_borderline
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