The Secret Life of The Circus Friend

I always find it super interesting how no matter how tame things are in my life, something is ALWAYS going on. I met this woman recently who constantly has something happening to her, so much so that it’s just the norm. She’s the friend who always has a story, the friend who’s life is always a bit of a shit-show or circus in one way or the other. I feel like that’s me, especially as it relates to my mentals.

As a person who works in a school, I have been on “break” since late June. In that time I’ve been trying to finish a certification in digital marketing, and one in youth mental health; host a mental health workshop, and a seminar on grief as well as teach at vacation bible school. In my head that didn’t seem like a lot to do. But, as I often find out only as I struggle, I bit off a lot more than I could chew. I had a prolonged depressive state that has been the worst I've had in over a year, extending the entire month of July. Right as I thought I was finally getting out of it - in just enough time to pull off my 3 week workshop - I start experiencing rapid and intense mood swings coupled with anxiety. School is now about to open in less than 2 weeks and I’ve had absolutely no mental break. After 2 months off work, I’m going back exhausted.

Even though this is true, the thing that bothers me most is that I’m leaning on others to carry me through these tough times. But what do you say when you’re almost always having a tough time? And with a circle as small as mine (really it’s a dot rather than a circle) I naturally feel as though I’m “too much” and “a burden.” I can only imagine the amount of people that feel this way. As I go hamm on an acquaintance (literally, not even a close friend) oscillating between devaluing and idealizing them, I can’t help but feel like the only answer is to withdraw so that I’m no one else’s problem. As I lean on my only friend to talk, decipher and make sense of what I’m going through, I can’t help but feel guilty for always having something going on. I feel inherently defective.

I appreciate the voice that I have here and always welcome others to join me in sharing their thoughts and experiences and yet it hurts many times to know that this space is equally filled with pain as it is truth. However, I am coming to understand how intertwined I am with pain. I realize how much society has taught us to disconnect from it and distract us from the reality of our hurts, disappointments, oppression, and suffering. We revel at the small doses of dopamine we get and search for more so much that we don’t see or feel the sorrow or sadness - and people like me, we are here to perpetually feel the weight of the pain everyone else ignores. For all the people who don’t care one way or another, the intensity of our emotions carry their nonchalance. For all the people who turn a blind eye, we cry the tears that they would otherwise shed. Now to be honest, this doesn’t make me feel better or less guilty. I still have to live with the fact that my intense emotions and fragility affect the people around me, people whom I love and hate to burden (whether they see me as one or not). I hate the fact that I will always be someone’s occupational hazard, and even more so my own.

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Still…here’s to being the friend with the life that should be on TV, just as much as being the friend that will feel with you and for you.