I was raised by a narcissistic mother and father. Both my parents molded and shaped me in ways that were beneficial to them and harmful to me and my growth. My mother is a vulnerable narcissist. She has the superpower to transform any story to make her the victim. And I do mean any story. Recently one of my brothers decided to do a family cut off (I am truly happy for him and this brave move and actually quite envious of him). The woman literally said that he cut her off because he's upset that she didn't have money to give him and how she would never do such a thing to her children or anyone for that matter. When I asked her if she really feels like this is about her (sarcasm dripping) she replied confidently "yes, I know it's about me." She feels she is a patron saint. When confronted with how she abused me and parentified me she started crying about how I think she's such a horrible mother and she didn't know any better because...and this is how she switches the story to how her life was horrible and she thinks she did amazing because I (in all my mental illness glory) came out great.
My father on the other hand you never saw much. He knew exactly how difficult my mother was and literally would tell me how he would go out and work all day because he didn't want to be home with her. Seems like he's running from the monster right. And while that is correct, he left us with her and didn't think for a second that we needed his protection from the big bad wolf. That's the equivalent of going on a camping trip with your kids (despite them not wanting to go) and then seeing an angry bear and picking up and running and using the kids as shields if not just totally leaving them with said ferocious beast. When he was home, he would divide us against her and tell us how difficult she was and how it hurt him. Sometimes he did this privately or in an argument with her. He would get everybody on his side and manipulate us into believing he couldn't hurt a fly. Meanwhile in action he left us to deal with the tyrant and would escape by cheating with other women who would give him the love and respect he desired while his children were love starved and abused. If that weren't bad enough, he would get in his own tirade and hit her, shoot at her, threaten her and then call us in the middle of the fight to decide who was right (which had a right answer apparently).
Now I didn't say all that to just dog my parents out. They're horrible people. I know that and probably so do you. But I say it to say that statistics show that being raised by narcissists can cause you to attract more narcissism in your life. The fact is if you were raised to be healthy, you can spot these traits from a mile away and steer clear of them. But when you've been raised by it, you don't see the red flags because it's all you've ever known. The toxicity and abuse is normal to you. And it was normal to me. My boyfriend (my first real boyfriend) was a total narcissist and I never realized until one night I sat on the phone with him screaming about how he would manipulate me and downplay my feelings and I realized that I sounded like my mother. If anyone knows me, that is the one thing in this life that I strive not to be - like my mother. After that I was in therapy for a full year and some realizing how I tied myself to fighting my narcissistic manager, co-worker, boss and sadly my narcissistic church leaders. I was gaslit, hovered, breadcrumbed, baited and everything in the narcissistic arsenal. I knew I was hurting deeply and I was tired and anxious and depressed and you name it but didn't know I was following a path of toxicity.
I felt like it was all my parents fault. And to a great extent it is. I was primed and formed and shaped in a narcissistic household. Therefore, being in these environments was like second nature to me until I realized it's wear and tear on my mind, my spirit and my body. Because it was so much in my nature I was unable to peel myself away from the people that entered my world with these patterns. But now I can spot them. The funny thing about narcissism is that narcs don't really know they're doing something wrong. They genuinely live in a land of delusion that makes them right about everything and anything. My current coworker exhibits some strong traits and I find that it's so difficult to not fall into the trap of engaging with him. And every time I fall prey to it I blame myself.
What does this have to do with anything? Somehow people with BPD attract Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). So I have a double dose of attraction to the very thing that causes me so much harm and pain. It's something I constantly have to keep a lookout for. Who am I letting into my life? Who and what am I engaging? Do I have genuine support? These are questions we can all benefit from. DO NOT engage the narcissists in your life. Learn how to spot them and in your own authentic way, deter them and ward them off. Keep me in thoughts and prayers as I grow in my skill of recognizing them and not engaging them.
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
IG: bahamian_borderline
Comments