Every day we make a choice about whether or not to walk on the grass or to use the sidewalk. I really like the grass. There’s something naturally alluring about it. There’s a sense of beauty and calm attached to it. In the same vain, I’m not all that keen about walking on the grass, mostly when it’s wet. Wet or dry, there’s always a little voice in the back of your head warning you about stepping in dog shit or on something prickly. Grass is beautiful to look at but the thought of traversing it is a bit less enticing.
As for the sidewalk…what really is there to say? It’s not exactly visually appealing and can often add extra time and space to your journey because it’s builders are avoiding cutting through the grass. The sidewalk is a bit more safe in terms of surprises. You can usually see the dog shit, if there is any at all, you can see the gum or the spit or anything unsavory. (This is sans the fact that we typically don’t pay attention to these things and step in them anyway, not because it was hard to see but because we are so used to the safety of the sidewalk that we don’t really look down or notice.) The sidewalk has a purpose, but beauty is not it, accessibility is.
Now, what the hell am I rambling on about? This weekend I was not doing well. 1 day in particular was worse than the others and I thought for a moment that maybe I should talk to a friend. 2 friends came to mind. 1 friend, I knew would listen and try to be as empathetic and understanding as possible; however, they wouldn’t really be able to help me in the end. The other friend wouldn’t listen as attentively and be a bit dismissive which would make me feel worse (unintentionally might I add). The added bonus is that they too wouldn’t be able to help me. Initially, I started to think “why is this even a question, obviously I should talk to the person who will make me feel comfortable.” I couldn’t bring myself to though, and the question was: why?
I realized that growing up in my household where 1 parent was a narcissist and the other was, in the least, an enable but viewed as the safe parent, it made the choice difficult. See, with a narcissistic parent, you know that they won’t help you, you know they’ll make it worse but they are there, they are consistent and a part of you still hopes that maybe they can and will help. The other parent (the supposedly safe parent) isn’t consistent, may not be there and you really don’t know if they will help…but you don’t want to chance it that they make it worse.
The safe parent is the grass. They’re very appealing and they even bring a sense of peace and calm but you cannot trust that when you step in, you won’t be met with a nice pile of dog doo. You can’t agitate the grass because essentially it’s better to look at than to traverse not do you want to chance messing it up. I’d rather not run to that friend than to chance that I talk to them and they inadvertently or unintentionally create an unsafe space and I end up with nothing at all.
The unsafe parent is the sidewalk. You know what you’re getting, the dips, the turns, the spit, the poop, you name it. You know that not only is it not appealing but it will also take you longer to get to your destination but you take it anyway. It’s consistent and it’s clear that going to be dreary at least. That friend is consistent in how they help and I know it’s not wanted right now but it’s available - it’s hot and ready.
In the end, I chose neither and I suffered in silence but I learned from that experience. I realize that I see my relationships, still, as mirrors of my past. I realize that there is a real battle that happens when trying to decide how to get help and who from. I realize that “safe” people scare me just as much as unsafe people because of the fear of messing up that safety in one way or another.
Do I have any life lessons for you here? Not exactly. I guess the best I can say is to be mindful that you’re not allowing fear to dictate your actions and also to the safe people - to remain patient as we scared folk unlearn, learn and relearn the dynamics of healthy relationships.
I’m still choosing to suffer in silence and in fear but I thought the concept of the grass and the sidewalk was interesting.
Suffering silently,
Day Bahamians Borderline
IG: bahamian_borderline
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