Bell Curve Hope

“My greatest fear is getting to the future and realizing that it wasn’t worth it.”

I really and silently cringe when I hear people say things like “it does/can get better” or “If I can do it then you can too” or “I’m proof that it works, that doesn’t have to be that way, that it doesn’t have to stay that way, that it does get better…” etc. The reality is it doesn’t get better for everyone. The reality is that a lot of people (I dare to say most but I don’t have empirical evidence) merely learn to live with, cope with, tip toe around, and build around their pain. Physical and mental. People live with chronic illnesses everyday and have tried everything they could to fix it or to help it, only to realize that the best they could do is live a “disabled” life. The world doesn’t change to meet their needs (or not much), and so to live means to put up with an ableist world. Then you hear about that 1 person…those 10 or 100 people out of thousands and millions that were “cured”. You hear about the very minute minority who take the stage (and take the world by storm even) and say that cure or recovery is possible. They say they have come to inspire those people who suffer, giving them the message that they too can join the 0.001 percent of people who beat it.

I hate it. I’m very wary of it. And I think a lot of people are as well, but we’re made to feel bad for feeling that way. We’re called pessimistic, we’re told that our mindset is the problem, we’re told that we simply don’t WANT to get better, we’re told that we’re not trying or some variation of “it’s your fault that you’re not fixed.” Of the millions of athletes in the world, only thousands of them become professionals. Of the thousands an even smaller number make or win their respective “playoffs.” Another even smaller number makes the Olympics. And of that, a few hundred actually win. Of the millions of people that make YouTube or tik tok videos a few thousand make monetary gains. An even smaller number become “relevant” influencers and an even smaller amount become “rich” or “famous.” If 100 people are diagnosed with cancer (and receive treatment), 10 of them will go on to be “cured” and have a long life. 20 will go into remission and the cancer will return once or twice more before they eventually die. Another 60 will pass away relatively soon after. The other 10 will die during treatment.

Despite that we ALL know that the odds are very very slim we tend to tell people to look at and focus on the 100 Olympic winners, the 5 YouTube stars, the 10 cancer survivors…the small amount of people that beat the odds…that lie in the extreme. When a person says “no, that’s not realistic” we look at them and say “it’s your fault.” You didn’t train hard enough, you didn’t push your content well enough or invest in the right products, you didn’t have the right mindset. We fail to acknowledge that the world was not made for EVERYONE to win. We fail to acknowledge that the outcomes vary. We choose to focus on just the winners because the winners make us feel something that humans inherently desire…and that is hope. We hold on to that hope because the reality is far less appealing.

It is far more likely that we don’t get better but we at least understand that there are people who are counting on us to stay alive. We may remain depressed or anxious or moody but we have children that we can’t leave behind. We may not get better but we learn how to mask the pain enough to do normal tasks. Maybe we learn how to cope and manage the stress and depression and emotional dysregulation. Maybe we grow out of our symptoms and age and life and experience help us to lead “better” lives. But maybe, maybe we can start to acknowledge, accept, understand and empathize with the people who WILL get to the other side and realize that it didn’t get better; the people who decided not to find out because they realized that “better” wasn’t likely.

What I am NOT saying is that you won’t be cured. I’m NOT saying that there isn’t a possibility. I’m NOT saying that it doesn’t get better…

What I AM saying is that there is also a possibility that you won’t. What I AM saying is that you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty if you choose not to aim for the sun; or stare at it. What I AM saying is that it’s okay to explore and accept both sides of the coin. What I AM saying is that if you fall in the middle of the bell curve…that’s okay too.

Here’s to hoping more people talk about the fear and reality of it not getting better.

Love,

Dat Bahamian Borderline