So here's a story all about how my life got twist turned upside down...
No really, this is the story of how I knew for certain something was wrong and I needed help. If you haven't already please go back and read "raised in instability" parts one and two. It gives a better background of my parents and the kind of turmoil I grew up in. My parents were abusive toward each other in a physical way that was beyond unique. Sometimes it included actual fighting other times it was threatening each or taunting. It was always a crazy story with them.
With that being said, at the height of my despair I was feeling intensely homicidal toward them. One night I was trying to decompress after a long day of work and school (college-senior year, final semester). I started to doze off before I had to complete assignments and prepare for the next day. As soon as my eyes began to get heavy was as soon as the shouting match started between them. Long story short a frying pan was thrown at my mothers head and I had enough time to contemplate killing the entire family. I really was going to be on the news. I had had enough. Enough of the fighting, the violence, the abuse, the ignorance of other peoples feelings and everything else that comes with an abusive family.
As the tears streamed down my eyes and the hatred in my heart grew, I walked out of the room with a calmness that was beyond understanding. I had made up my mind I was going to kill us all and finally be at peace. It was the only way I saw it. The only way out, in my head at least, the only way to be rid of the struggle.
Obviously, everyone is still alive and that story turned around but the point here is that homicidal ideation is something some borderlines struggle with. I usually don't struggle with anger and it takes a whole lot to get me to be besides myself with anger or rage. That's only because I'm a quiet borderline and we tend to internalize anger and think that everything happening is our fault. But, if you watch the movie "Acrimony" by Tyler Perry, you'll see a depiction of an "external angry borderline." This does exist, where it's quite normal to have the anger build out of control on a daily or just in a frequent manner.
I cannot, unfortunately, offer advice as to how to help your friend with external angry BPD. What I do know is that if you love a person with this subtype, you will do the research. As I always say, it's best to fix the plane while it's landed. Fixing it in the air is near impossible. Look up those traits now, those helpful tips...implement them when things are going good. When a frying pan is being hurled at your head...it may be a little too late.
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
IG: @bahamian_borderline
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