So May is BPD awareness month and I really have no idea how to commemorate the occasion. What Im going to do is share my most recent suicide attempt which just so happened to be between April 30th and May 1st.
So I want to preface this by saying I'm not an avid drug user. Last year was my first time trying marajauna for anxiety. But the time that I ate it, I found out the very hard way that my system was not interested in it. I lost all control of my body. I was unable to breathe or move or talk. In the worst half of it my breathing went to shit to put it plainly. I would breathe in and not be able to breathe out and vice versa. Afterwards I was unable to walk, or talk for a full day and when I started speaking it was a delayed stutter. I literally almost died and wasn't taken to the hospital because the guy that gave me the cookies didn't want to be arrested for possession and distribution. Luckily (or not so luckily) my bestie is a nurse and he managed to call her to come over and evaluate and observe. Most of my body was already cold and stiff because I wasn't breathing for an extended period of time but I did try to speak to say my last goodbye. I lost consciousness twice but managed not to slip off (with the help of a good slap) with the thought of my 3 year old niece who shouldn't go on without me and my partner who's also not really my partner (it's complicated).
Anyway I say all that to say that I've known by that experience that edibles are not for me (at least not much of them). So what I did last week was recreate the scenario when no one was there to help me stay alive. I was alone and had some edibles (granted the person I got it from didn't know that I was not adept). I took them and proceeded to lay down and slip into my eternal sleep. Unfortunately my mother came home and found me. Fortunately my recovery period was much shorter than the first time that I was out.
The thing about suicide attempts is that they say people regret them afterwards. But honestly I've never regretted an attempt but always regretted failing. There's no telling if this will be my last attempt, there's no telling if things will get better but the truth for now is that I'm still here.
surviving suicide is no easy feat. There's always the guilt of not having succeeded. There's feeling like a burden to all involved. And there's the constant questions of why you chose to do it and the subsequent being misunderstood. What I can say to friends of borderlines is...just be there. No questions, no judgement, no anger or rage or even pity. The person feels badly enough and thought about all the things you could possibly say without you saying it. Give them a break. You have no idea how horrible it must be to live in a head where suicide is the only way out. Again...give them a safe, judgement free break.
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
IG: bahamian_borderline
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