BPD & Identity

You know those horror movies where the character looks in the mirror and then their reflection becomes its own person or does something contrary to the character? That's what having BPD is like. In an earlier post I talked about being something different for Christmas and even how social cues help you to hide who you truly are. But this is a little different. Imagine constantly not knowing who you are.

Having BPD is like always trying on new skins to figure out which one suits you best only to find out you can never stop changing. The one thing I'm certain of about myself is that I'm a good friend, but I can't tell you whom I've impacted. I'm fairly smart but not the brightest crayon in the bunch. As much as this seems like humility, I generally consider myself a failure despite (on paper) having accomplished so much.

Besides the mental aspect, I can be so vastly different on any given day. My walk changes, my voices changes, my speech, my smile...you name it. I take breaks from my reality (dissociation) and start stitching together a version of me based on someone else I admire because I'm not pleased with myself. The worst part is I don't know when I'm doing it. The chameleon knows when it changes colors because it's doing it to protect itself. Although my changing may be a form of protection, I'm so accustomed to it that it happens without my consent. That's right, I'm acting against my own will.

This is usually a product of unstable upbringing. When a child constantly has to change who they are because their parents don't accept them for who they are that child learns to be whatever makes the parents happy. If the parents need multiple people that child becomes that and never learns to have a stable sense of self or identity.

Remember to encourage your friends genuinely. Tell them what you love about them and help them to understand you love them for who they really are without the million skins.

I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Love,

Dat Bahamian Borderline