Today I went to do laundry. I was exceptionally tired and had even thought to put it off until tomorrow. But I randomly felt the energy to get on with one of the 4 tasks I had planned for the day. When I get there I unload my clothes and go to the attendant to start my machine, but in true “me” fashion, I forgot my washer number and had to step to the side to look at it. The next customer stepped in my spot and rather than tell him I wasn’t finished and hold up the line, I let him finish his transaction and talked to the attendant afterwards. This other person who was behind came up. The attendant had given me my receipt but was fiddling around with the machine while I stood waiting on my change. She looked up and saw the receipt in my hand and proceeded to raise her voice at me saying that I had the receipt the whole time and said nothing while she was looking for that very receipt. I was shocked because I didn’t realize that’s what she was doing. The lady behind then chimes in and comments that I had it the whole time and I had skipped her. I looked over at her explained that I didn’t skip her, the attendant was waiting on me to come back but I let the guy behind me go first and was returning to my position in queue. She gave me the hand and said miss I don’t have time for this today.
Now there’s 2 ways to look at this. 1) I stepped out of the line and should therefore go to the back upon return-no matter how short my stepping away was for. In this case, she would feel justified that I skipped her because I should have gone behind her. The 2nd would be that the attendant was holding my space but since the gentleman went up before the attendant called next it was fine for her to serve him but it would be unnecessary for me to wait in line again. Now the way you choose to see the situation is of no consequence. What matters here is the effect it had.
Now I’m sure that the lady was upset since she perceived that she was being disrespected among other things. Her response, she probably even deemed tame since she didn’t cause a big scene (which I’ve seen people do). And I don’t know what is going on with her and in her life. As for me, my mind immediately said “you don’t belong here…go kill your self.” I stood in front of my rented washing machine and thought “I don’t know why either of them thought to jump on me like that…there’s no way I would’ve known she was looking for the receipt…I thought she was changing the paper roll…but she was the one who gave me the receipt…I didn’t skip her…I wouldn’t do that to someone…but since I get how she could feel that way I shouldn’t feel mad…you’re a burden to everyone!…you’re selfish and entitled and too sensitive and quite frankly it would be a better world without you in it…you should leave these clothes and jump off the bridge.” I am now on a bender of ways to harm myself or end my life. I then begin to think…this is why it’s said to be kind to everyone because you don’t know what battles they are fighting. But then I go off on a tangent about how I’m too soft and weak I am to survive in this world. And this is my thought process for the next 30 minutes as I convince myself that being alive is too much for me.
At this point my clothes stop and I look for a cart and run into an old friend. His mother had stood in the gap for me several times against my mother. I was also just talking about his mother last night about how the way my parents had handled a situation with his mother regarding money had shaped the way I handle friendship and money. His mother (maybe out of spite for my mother) also said some disparaging things about me so as to say I would very likely become a disappointment to the family. But we got to talking about what we were doing with our lives and how we got there and different experiences and mental health and the like. And for a moment my mind was on pause. Not that I had zero negative thoughts during our conversation, but suicide was not one of them. And as I stood there folding my clothes I thought how I had 2 very different encounters in the same place, on the same day and both so different. One that sent me down the abyss and one that was a rope out of it.
I can’t say there’s any particular lessons here. Frankly, I don’t think my mind is in a place to learn lessons right now. But what I can say is that these two chance encounters had an effect that sits with me. The world sucks and it can weigh you down and beat you up and it’s ugly. The world also has some great people with great moments and experiences that are simple yet beautiful and powerful. And we have to see, feel and experience them both.
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