I must admit you really are grown for your age. You have raised children, cooked dinners, funded education for the little ones, ironed the clothes, washed the dishes, cleaned the house, and provided support where needed all before the age of 13. By 16 you would have loved the children and experienced everything a fully grown adult would have including the loss of said children as they moved away. Looking at what you've done for them you would never dream of regretting your life with the kiddies. They loved you like you were their own mother and you loved them the way any parent would love their own child. You did an amazing job taking care of house and home and children.
You did all this in the face of adversity. When you heard the screams and the fights of your parents, you protected the kids and tried to shield yourself. You were the ultimate source of protection for everyone. You did this while keeping up your grades and maintaining friendships. But it's hard. It's really hard. You never know what's will trigger your mother's rage or walk in on your father holding a gun to your mothers chest. You never knew when the anger would turn on you. To get a release you started stabbing your skin then cutting. You wanted to run away then you wanted to die.
I'm sorry that I have to tell you that it doesn't get any better. 20 years later and you still feel conscious about your weight, your mother is still in your head telling you nasty things. Your brothers have moved out and moved on and no longer see you as the mother you once were to them. Your father has had outside children and lied to the family and left yours emotions in shambles. You have no real sense of self and never know who you will be at any given moment in time. You did not get that dream job of being a therapist and did not help the people that you wanted. You didn't get that PhD or that husband that was supposed to treat you better than what you saw growing up. You are not super close to your BFF anymore and have to attempt (and fail) at making new friendships. Most of all you never were able to run away far from home and take your younger brothers and raise them in a loving environment that you created.
At this time you have attempted suicide several times and failed. What's worse is that you currently do not regret any attempt. In fact you are sometimes upset that it didn't work. You continue to underachieve because of circumstances and mindsets that are more difficult to change than reshaping the earth. I'm sorry to say it sis but at this point you still feel like you've failed at life. I think what I want you to know is that you're strong but it doesn't get easier. You falter. You fail. You did a good job getting through the beginning stages but as of now...it doesn't get easier.
Dat Bahamian Borderline
IG: bahamian_borderline
Comments