Hi Guys! Today I'm not sure what it is I want to write about. I've been meaning to talk about shapeshifting and how we with BPD are excellent chameleons. I wanted to tell you the story of this girl I envied so much in school from primary to senior high and even some college (of course there were people in between). I don't mean envy in the traditional sense of the word but envied as in I wanted to be just like her. She had long straight hair, beautiful dark caramel skin, a beauty mole and the voice of an angel. And the kicker was that she was smart. I wanted to be her so bad I hated her. Everything she did felt like an indictment on who I wasn't. Chocolate skinned, my hair that wasn't as healthy, my voice that I didn't think was as beautiful and my grades that were just never as good. I found out that she was cutting herself, and I started doing it too (this was the point I moved from using needles to using razors. I didn't think at the time that it was sign that something was going on with her, I just wanted to know that I was like her. Eventually we ended up at the same college and became so close we were almost inseparable. I came to love her kindred spirit and although I loved her attributes they were no longer something for me to attain and become rather something to be loved about her.
I wanted to tell you how religion helped me grow in the weirdest of ways. Not by becoming a born again Christian by my becoming a student of text. Learning so much about the Rastafarians taught me about health and the struggle of maintaining the truth of self in an ever changing world. Seventh-day Adventism taught me cultish behavior for the first time as well as really taking things out of context. I also had an experience with a lady who told me if I wasn't an SDA I would go to hell because they are the one true church. This raised red flags in me because I couldn't accept that my Pentecostal family got everything wrong and was going to hell because they didn't rest on Saturday. That experience taught me to stand up for myself and listen to my gut. I stopped meeting with that lady and told her that I didn't want to be part of a culture that read more Ellen G. White than it did the Bible. (I'm sorry to all SDA's I just offended, it was an isolated incident with that lady and her church).
I wanted to give you another installment on my trauma this time talking about my brother who was abusive sexually, physically and just manipulative in many ways
Quite frankly, I have many things I could talk about. I could even talk about the fact that I'm having anxiety issues at the moment that's making my foot tremble at just the thought of a stressful thing. Even this is stressful, not having a clear direction. I can only hope that next time will be better. That my mind will be clearer. But for now, this is what I share with you. The blog will live! viva la blog!
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