So this is just an update on how I'm doing and why my breaks are getting seemingly longer.
I'm tired. Mentally I sit here and I know that nothing makes me happy, no music, no dates, no man, no outting. Im just lack luster all around. I try so hard and in the end I unmask and I'm sitting with myself knowing that I have to do it all again and I just don't want to. Because I'm tired. I feel like I'm screaming at nothing and no one because no matter how much I say "I'm not my best today" no one seems to get that it means "I'm broken and I don't know how to fix it."
I'm so tired of existing knowing full well that the job means nothing, the relationships feel hard, and my mind is heavy. And all the "it gets better" in the world doesn't fix it, it doesn't prove that it does because I've lived it and spoiler alert...it hasn't gotten better.
In this moment, I'm struggling with the shame of who I am, my lack of enthusiasm and where I am in life. I keep hoping that either having more or less people or just the right amount will help but it's not. I keep hoping that the next nap will make it better. I hope that the next set of exercises or runs around the park will pick me up but I'm still here on the ground hoping.
I keep asking the good Lord to take me out but alas, we seem to be on very different paths in this train of thought.
So as I struggle to bring you content from an exhausted mind, please hold fast to the string that I too am holding on for dear (or not to dear) life.
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
IG: bahamian_borderline
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