Anger is an emotion I don't frequently struggle with. It's most likely that I feel sadness. Anger, for me, rarely lasts long. However, whenever I am angry it lasts for quite some time. I can spend upwards of hours trying to get it out of my system. And when it comes out there is no hiding from it or dodging it. I can go from crying to punching walls, or anything solid I can get my hands on. The punching usually lasts for a while and is always self destructive. I punch until I bruise, blister or hurt myself in one way or the other.
When I was growing up, anger was not an emotion I was allowed to have. Anger translated to disrespect for authority...in other words my parents. Being angry with a parent was seen as the ultimate form of disrespect and punishable by some form of beating, slap, or any other corporal punishment. You weren't allowed to be angry at anything they did, said or put you through and therefore no angry emotion was ever processed. As a person with BPD, explosive anger is one of the main symptoms listed on the criteria of diagnosis. I'm not certain if the BPD adds to the level of anger i exhibit or if the level of anger just qualifies me for BPD as it does many others. The thing is because I don't experience it often I never actually count it. But when I do experience it, it can be of concern because of the way I express it.
What does this have to do with anything? Well I feel like I should be angry. I've been crying my eyes out for weeks now. I've lost the man I love, and further to that it would seem it's all my fault (based on what he says at least). My mother is living with me and not helping with bills (to be fair she does do all the cooking), she's also running my car ragged while I walk to work every day. She borrowed money from my friend under my name and has yet to pay her back (frankly this looks bad on me). My boss pulled a fast one on me by deciding not to pay me knowing I was going abroad to my uncle's funeral. My grandmother was playing cute with me only when I gave her money after spreading rumors to the whole family that I didn't like her. My coworker steadily crossing my boundaries and pushing his attraction to me in a very sexual manner. Literally being used by men for sexual deeds with no care or compassion. And literally asking for help and support from "friends" and getting nothing. Did I mention I just lost another friend? I feel like I have a lot to be angry about (and sad about). But I don't feel it. The sadness in my life just weighs me down as though my entire body was made of rocks that I have to carry around. In a shocking turn of events I'm a floater when I go in the water. I want to be angry, I really do. But it's not in me.
I'm huffing and puffing but not an ounce of anger. I know it's healthy and it helps to show you what you value but why is it not there for me? I value my body but being used makes me sad and not angry. I value the relationship with my friends but I feel more broken than I do angry. I value my work ethic, but rightfully so I feel more disgust toward my boss than anger. Even now as I write this the sadness is welling up inside of me and bringing me to tears. I don't want to be punching walls but I'd like to be angry. I'd like to feel something other than the sadness that life brings me. It's the sadness that feels inescapable. I guess what I'm really saying is I want to escape sadness and feel something that I can get out of me. I wish I had more to say, but I don't. I just hope that soon I can feel something other than this crippling depression and will to be not alive.
Sad and exhausted,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
IG: bahamian_borderline
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