Terrible formatting

I know I havent written in a while and that's because I've been sick as well as dealing mentally with my last blog post on how my brother molested me as a child. I have spoken about my mother's part in my trauma as well as my father's but for some reason talking about the sexual trauma by the hands of my brother really sends me on a roller coaster ride. This time I'm here for the encore as I talk about the gamut of sexual trauma I've experienced that has lead up to my present issues with sex and sexual freedom.

It's ironic that my 3 year old niece loves hide and seek and loves playing it with her favorite aunty when that very game gives me the "willies." When I was about her age I was playing hide and seek with the kids from the neighborhood one evening. One of the boys was much older. About 17 I would say and had no reason to want to play such a little kids game with such little kids. Of course I didn't know that then. But that evening he found me and pinned me against the wall and dry humped me until he cum and told me not to tell anyone. Long story short I ended up in court afraid but telling how he held me up against the wall. The whole court experience was traumatic. It was traumatizing for a child of my age to have to physically show and justify before a court why he should have been punished for what he did to me. Nevertheless it was over. Or so I thought.

After word got out in the neighborhood that that happened to me it happened again and again with other little boys but this time I was too afraid to say anything because I didn't want to be humiliated in court again. All I want to say here is that parents may feel it important for their child to get closure by the courts and for justice to be served but you must also look out for the wellbeing of that child. Court can be equally as traumatic as the actual abuse. Be sure to think about the pros and cons before making it about your vendetta against the person who harmed your child.

Onto the next event, that was my brother for the years of sexual abuse that I went through at his hands. The exploitation, and conniving and contempt in all he did to ensure that his sick desires were met.

At the age of both 18 and 25 I was raped by the hands of a prominent community figure and a close friend respectively. The stories of those can come at another time but what's important is how it left me. By the time I was ready to have sex for myself everything was distorted. I didn't know how to enjoy myself, I felt like I was doing something bad and quite frankly I would end up distraught and in a state of despair and sadness when the deed was done. I had been formatted with bad experiences, illicit experiences, to shape what sex meant to me. Because of my hide and seek incident, my mother was hypersensitive and made me think that I was bad for even thinking about boys much less sex. She called me all manner of derogatory names from slut to whore to witch and wench to drill into me that's what I was and didn't need sex to make it worse. She would publicly shame me about my body and clothes all to ensure I wasn't interested in sex. I say all that to say that my relationship with sex could not have been a healthy one when I had terrible formatting.

I knew that I would need sex therapy just to get over the general fear of what I thought of myself if I engaged and more so how I viewed myself after engaging. To this day when I have sex, it's not long before I start having nightmares of my brother molesting me. I cannot shake free from the programming that has been set in me.

For parents with daughters, I beg of you to please keep them safe. At the appropriate time let them know what sex is and help them to feel comfortable navigating that very scary world. Not just scaring them with STD's but talk about the joys of sex and how they should be treated and respected by men in and outside the bed.

I love you all,

Dat Bahamian Borderline

IG: Bahamian_borderline