My mind right now is like a maze that determines life or death. It's always safe to say that in the mind of someone suicidal they have exhausted all the outcomes their respective minds have given them. It just so happens that death was the end. Contrary to societal rhetoric, dying is not the easy way out. Your body is conditioned to keep you alive, in thought and physically. Your body does not want to lose control. In order for you to pull that trigger or jump or swallow or any method you take, your whole body first has to override its innate instinct to live. You literally have to have absolutely NOTHING left in you to carry out the act of suicide. The act of dying.
I remember when I had that allergic reaction to MJ and I couldn't breathe. It became so hard to force my body into the act of breathing I started telling myself that this is what death felt like. I could feel my body getting cold. I started to feel a peace that I was meeting my end and I started to allow the cold to encompass me and allow my breathing to fade and I began to fad away with my mind's eye smiling. But then I remembered my niece and my then boyfriend and my brain said "live for...and..." my mind started to push me back into forcing a breath. Basically what I'm saying is, even when all odds are against you, your mind doesn't give up on keeping you alive. Therefore, when a person commits suicide, their mind really gave up. There was nothing left for it to hold on to, no hope, no person, no action...nothing.
Right now I'm in the maze. What I'm holding onto is the PTSD I gave my then boyfriend and now friend. He gets afraid when he gets calls from my home phone, still fears for my life when he doesn't hear from me for an extended period, gets worried when I'm alone or sad. Whether I live or die he will experience those feelings because of the trauma I've put him through. But for now I think of how much I want to let go and then I think about him getting that call and I get chest pains because of the cognitive dissonance it brings. I don't want to inflict that kind of pain on him but I'm tired and don't want to hold on anymore. Society says suicide is the easy way out and we're all a bunch of selfish cowards. But in that maze of thought life for my niece is better without me. I love her so much but it hurts to smile and show up for her in a meaningful way. In that maze I come to the reality that my parents have used me all my life and will be relieved to get insurance. In that maze I face the fact that I have no support system. I come to all the realizations that my absence makes but a minute difference in a world where my presence made an even smaller impact. In that maze I see my friend lost without me in some form or fashion. I don't think he loves me anymore or even needs me anymore; but somehow he's attached to me. I don't know what that attachment is but it's the last leg of the maze.
Seriously dying internally,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
Ig: @bahamian_borderline
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