Would you believe me if I said that I don't want to get rid of my personality disorder? You would probably be surprised when I say I really wouldn't. In a perfect world I would still have BPD. That's because I feel, at times when my mind is clear, that it brings me an awareness of what others experience. Hear me out. BPD is usually accompanied by a mood disorder, for me it's depression and anxiety. Besides that BPD leads you to gravitate toward these folk, folk with depression, trauma, CPTSD and just generally with a "down" demeanor. I love that, here's why.
First off it allows me to hear and feel the stories of so many people. I have seen the deep dark despair of so many persons and I always feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment to be able to be there for them. The darkness of depression is vast and to swim in it to wade next to another is a task that I don't take lightly. Also seeing depression or anxiety from different angles. For some it's an ocean to swim in. For others it's a dark room with no doors. And still others it a never ending staircase. Either way I love the opportunity to be there beside a person. And I feel an immense gratitude to have been invited into the private chaos that people don't show the rest of the world.
On the other hand, in a perfect world although I want to keep my diagnosis, I would have parents that were more in tune with my needs. This week my mother and I talked about things from our past and how it affects the present. Afterwards I thought to myself "maybe my life wasn't so bad." But the truth is my life was traumatic and no amount of talking could change what happened or how it affected me. Honestly I hate talking about it because it makes me downplay the hurt I underwent. No matter the perspective, I was over-parentified, abused verbally, sexually and physically. And I don't wish that on anyone, not even myself. I long to have had a childhood where I had a healthy relationship with my brother and my parents. I long to not sit and wonder the complexity of mourning my parents. I don't want to know that my parents will die someday and I can't "miss" them the way most people do their parents.
I also long to have a healthy romantic relationship. I wish I didn't have to put anyone through the trouble and stress and pain of dealing with my mental illness. I wish I could've made the one healthy relationship I had last because I was able to deal with issues as they arise instead of dissociating or avoiding it. I wish I wasn't so afraid of abandonment that I it's all I see or push others away before they do it to me. I wish I wasn't constantly this emptiness that I needed to be filled with constant reassurance and love, or testing people to see if they do love and care for me.
It's good to mourn these things because the reality is this is my truth. This is what I live with. But the truth is also that because of these hurts I've endured I have the ability to relate to a range of emotions and can be there for people in a way that not everyone can. In this world where everyone thinks being number 1 is key, I love the idea of having a community of people who know how to relate. There's not a time I don't want BPD. Even when I miss the things that formed it or the things that it cannot afford me, I appreciate BPD's existence
Love,
Dat Bahamian Borderline
IG: bahamian_borderline
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