A young Bahamian lady took her life by jumping off the bridge and as a mental health blogger it would be remiss of me not to talk about it. Not because it's a big topic but because there's so much surrounding the situation that it's not fair to bypass it.
Systemic Issues
There wasn't much talk about how the system works here but I feel obliged to let you know. It was said that the young woman had been admitted to Sandilands Rehabilitation Center (SRC) for severe depression at some point and was released on the grounds that she was "doing better." The truth of the matter is I can't say for sure if she was doing better but what I can say is that SRC tends to release you when the ward is getting full. There is not enough space on the women's ward to host every person with an issue for the amount of time that they really need to be held. You're good if you get two weeks. As long as you're not actively trying to harm yourself and you look a bit cheeky then they let you out. They try their best to keep you on a schedule to see the doctors once or twice a month and in therapy once per week but they don't have the staff to man that. There are not enough mental health experts in the facility to ensure regular check ins and quite frankly they find ways to get you not to see the doctor.
you can call the ward and ask to speak with a doctor and they will tell you that you can't and if you have an issue to contact the outpatient clinic (CCAC). The outpatient clinic will then tell you that you need a referral from a doctor and to set an appointment (which is usually months down the line) in order to see a specialist. They will then tell you that the only way you can see the doctor on demand is if you go to the emergency room. The emergency room will then ask you what are your symptoms and if you are not actively suicidal they will send you home. If you are, you have at least a 5-10 hour wait to see a psychiatrist who will decide if you need to be admitted or give you a referral for outpatient care. At outpatient care they will again give you at least a month long wait to see the doctor or psychologist. If you are suicidal or close to it, you can see how this system is frustrating and inadequate. The time frame to catch a person that is having suicidal thoughts is not one to play with or toss around and hope it's caught in time.
Now if this lady had to go through this ordeal - I don't know. What I do know is that the system needs to be revamped to be more friendly and effective for the people that have to use it.
My Feelings
A few days before the incident I was feeling a bit down and watched a video on suicide and it really made me think about my own experiences. I really thought about how meaningless life is and how it would be great to end it all. Then this happened and it made me jealous. I really felt like I wanted to be as brave as she was and just do what I said I would do years ago. I remembered that time I almost died and regretted trying to stay alive for the sake of my niece and my friend. I wished I had let it all go when I had the chance to and I felt a sense of survivor's remorse.
My therapist says it's the trickle down effect of suicide. It not only makes you sad to see the loss of life but it makes you wonder about your own. If you've ever attempted, you think about your experience and how much that time affected you and your life. Granted that makes a lot of sense, I also feel like I was having a bit of a hard time before the lady took her life and her ordeal exacerbated my feelings of life being meaningless. I'm this very cerebral way I feel that life is nothing but lived experiences and if you don't live it or even if you do it doesn't matter. In the end it all falls to naught.
I don't know if that lady had voices in her head that she was trying to get rid of or if she was the voice in her head. I don't know if she liked or hated herself. I don't know if she felt like a burden or like her death would matter. What I do know is that I feel her pain. I know the people are her are traumatized and feel a multitude of feelings including remorse, regret, trauma and so much more. But I know her story. I AM her story. I know what it feels like to be so tired of fighting. I know that feeling of freedom when you're on the brink of death. I know what it is to fight for your life and what it feels like when you've lost that fight. More than anything I wish her feelings could be felt by others. Not the hope that people push but that pain. Because in that pain comes understanding. Then the hope that comes after means that much more.
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