I saw a post on instagram that simply said "dear artists, remember why you started." It made me think about the fact that I haven't written in so long I don't know how or what my writing was even about. I felt so far removed from Bahamian Borderline. I still have the shell of a writer but no substance.
The truth is the substance is me. I write about my life, my struggles and what it's like to live with BPD. Unfortunately, life has been kicking my ass! I have had so many highs and lows in the pas few months that I didn't know how to experience and express it in words. Everything came out in tears and that's not usual for me. So let me brief you:
My boyfriend/friend and I broke up
I had to travel to a funeral (family drama)
My brother got arrested
My mother is still living with me
My boss did some shady stuff to me
I've joined the gym
I've taken to fantasizing about relationships with people to occupy my mind
My Jewish Literature group stopped meeting (that helped to ground me)
I started therapy
My meds increased
My suicidal thoughts had gotten worse and I was almost forcefully hospitalized
I'm struggling with being lonely and alone
I think that's it. Point is, all of that felt like too much to deal with. I needed to just live through it. It's all I could manage to do. But here I am trying to remember why I started. I can talk about my struggles with abandonment, how dangerous fantasizing can be dangerous (I'm pretty sure I talked about that already), the mood swings etc. The point is I want people to be aware of what mental health struggles really look like and what they can do to help.
All of you that read my blog. That's why I started. I'm committed to you, to writing, not so much to living cuz earth is ghetto, but while I'm here I'm committed.
Love
Dat Bahamian Borderline
IG: bahamian_borderline
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