I watched Bojack Horseman in 2021. The way that that show played and continues to play on my psyche is insane. I feel like it was triggering in so many ways that I dissociated through a nice chunk of it and don’t remember a lot (despite that it had and has such a profound impact on me). The one thing that I remember clearly - without mistake - is the relationship between Bojack and Diane.
At the time I was in therapy and the weight of the show frequently made it into my therapy sessions. I identified with Bojack in very large part. Bojack was aware of how much of a screw up he was. He knew he was the biggest hurdle in his life and he was aware that the reason he became that way was the trauma he endured in his childhood, and in the entertainment industry (mostly from his mother). Bojack desired love, connection, genuine intimacy, and to be seen more than anything in this world. However, he was taught that he would never get it, that he was not deserving of it and that everyone in his life would let him down and/or leave when they came to really know him. He lived his life wanting connection while simultaneously fearing it. That, my friends, is me. It’s my whole deal. I am not convinced that anyone is going to or is capable of loving me or staying with me. I believe that people will leave me once they know me.
Now Bojack sabotaged his relationships in very asshole-ish ways, which is where I drew the line. He learned to make himself feel better and not think about others (because he thought others didn’t care about him). So when he consistently put himself first and subsequently hurt those around him, he made his statement of “I’m a piece of shit and no one is gonna love me” true. Bojack saw himself do and say the shittiest things but was unable to stop himself from doing it. If that doesn’t sound like BPD, idk what does?!
I also resonated with Diane in a very significant way. Diane was a brilliant mind who had the ability to see everyone as a human being with their own unique story to tell. She believed that the best and worst things in us is what made us human. However, she was unable to believe that about herself. She was much less forgiving of herself and fought hard to redeem herself by saving and being a voice for others. This was a set up for repression and depression. She was also smart enough to see the world at large with all its ugliness and injustice and corruption and stupidity. Naturally that makes you less likely to get the fuzzies for life.
This is what I related to. I’m usually able to see the best in people and extend a long loving rope in hopes that the person realizes that they are not alone. But just like Diane, I can’t give myself the same love I give to others. It took Diane a really long time to understand that she had the right to be happy; that she did not have to work hard for people to love and accept her; and that she had to do that for herself.
This combo sits with me is because I hoped that Diane (and life) would be enough to help Bojack to soften his heart and realize people did love him and someone he loved (loved the most) stayed. I hoped that Bojack would have been able to get his shit together and tell Diane how much he loved her and that would help her to learn to love herself. I hoped that the rawness of their hearts would would meld together and change them both for the better. But in the end, Diane had to leave the state and Bojack to pursue happiness. Her leaving is what brought her clarity and her willingness to allow a different and softer love into her life is what brought her growth and joy. Unfortunately, Bojack going to jail is what sobered him up (permanently, since he did so a few times throughout the series). Now the truth is that I understand that this is how the world operates in most cases. Two unhealthy people don’t usually make for a healthy relationship. Leaving toxicity is likely the only way that you heal.
But here’s it…I thought I was Bojack and my boyfriend was Diane. Diane knew Bojack better than anyone and loved him beyond words. Diane was the only person that Bojack actually ever loved without condition (except his sister). And in 2022 when I watched that show what I internalized was that if you are a Bojack, like myself, you don’t get the happy ending; you don’t get loved; people HAVE to leave you to grow and to really be happy. What I understood was that it no matter how much I loved this man, no matter how much we “got” each other, no matter how much we were made for each other…we wouldn’t be together. And that broke me. I cannot count the amount of times I cried in therapy because of this show, because of that relationship, because of what it meant for me and my relationship. Of course I talked to my therapist about it and I talked to him about it but I don’t think anyone understood the depth of what I felt or why. And I don’t think it’s something I can fully explain even now.
When we broke up in 2023, I didn’t see it coming yet I saw it coming. The show serves as a reminder to me that I don’t get what I want; that my loving him (or a person) does not mean that they will stay; that being alone is the best option for me and safest option for those around me. It definitely shows me I need to get it together or I’ll just continue to hurt those around me and myself. But it told me that he had to leave me and that he’d be better for doing so. And in my mind, I sit on the roof with him every night, the distance between us and silence saying everything. On that roof I know that I love him, he knows it too but we both accept that it can’t be any other way. On that roof, I wish I got it together sooner and he does too but he’s happy and I’m, at least, okay.
Dat Bahamian Borderline
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